


Do I Wanna Know

by JRanger_Raven



Category: Ranger's Apprentice - John Flanagan
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Implied Intimacy, Letters, M/M, NSFW, Symptoms of Depression, canon universe with a few small changes, eventually, i cannot stress the flirting enough, lots of flirting, t for some cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-07-10 18:32:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6999718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JRanger_Raven/pseuds/JRanger_Raven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A week has passed since Halt made the biggest mistake of his life. He's worried sick about what Will thinks of him now, and Will's just confused... And then things start getting bad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Truly Yours

**Author's Note:**

> Oh look, it's a new Wilt fic. Surprise surprise. This is the first long one I've written, and it's gonna have more chapters... hope you like it. Please review and stuff, let me know how it is.

Chapter 1

A week had passed since Will left, and Halt didn't know what he was waiting for.

Maybe for a word about what his old apprentice was doing? Maybe a letter. Maybe he was waiting for himself to get over what happened, or for the whole thing to blow over.

During this week of silence he tried his best not to think about it; the more he told himself it was going to turn out alright, the more it felt like he was overreacting. Best case scenario, it would all go away quickly enough so they wouldn’t have to talk about it at all. Forget it even going in Halt’s favor- it was best to just leave it alone.

After a week it felt like they were going to ignore it, but just as Halt got his hopes up, a letter arrived at his cabin from none other than his ex-apprentice Will Treaty.

What kind of hell had Halt unleashed with that one, spontaneous mistake? He threw the letter down angrily on the dining table and walked away.

For a while he managed to steer his mind away from the problem and keep himself busy, just until the end of the night. He knew he would have to open the letter by then, because if he didn't it would only complicate things more. And Halt wasn't the kind of person to run from his problems, anyway… but this was a rare case and it wasn't the end of the night yet.

The sun went down to let the stars take its place. Tiny diamonds sparkled over and conquered the dim night sky, glittering like the sun hit them just right.

For the rest of the evening Halt kept himself occupied, replacing the wood in the fireplace, feeding Abelard, and cleaning anything up that didn’t take too much work to fix. Then he was hungry enough to eat dinner, but he couldn’t do that with the letter staring at him on the other side of the table. He could feel Will watching him and glaring at him from inside the envelope. Or was that himself? He threw it on the couch and kept eating.

He still wasn’t tired after dinner, so he polished his knives for the next morning and sharpened the ends of his arrows. Anything to keep himself busy. Anything to keep from thinking about that. It didn’t work so well when Halt tried to distract himself by doing other things, because all he did was get work done while having massive anxiety.

Will had always spent at least a few minutes outside, on the porch or laying on the grass, looking up at the stars, fascinated by how beautiful the forest was at night.

Halt figured he'd get over it quickly. All apprentices went through this phase as kids, and then they got used to it, just like Halt did. Will never got used to it. He loved it more every night. He made it a habit every night to spend some time outside before he went to bed, and Halt knew that habit was going to follow him for the rest of his life. He was probably looking at the sky now. Maybe that was why his eyes sparkled so brightly.

It was twice as dark outside now. Halt sat down on the couch, across from the crackling fire, the letter in his hand. There was nothing more to distract him now but sleep, and he wasn’t tired. He knew he wouldn’t be able to go to sleep if he tried… He had to open this, if only to get it over with.

Halt tore open the flap as carefully as he could, trying not to rip the paper inside. There was just one piece of paper, addressed to him at the top and signed at the bottom. The body of the letter took up most of the page, so Will had a lot to say to him.

But of course he would.

Halt began reading:

_Halt,_

_I'm sure you're surprised to be hearing from me, and, frankly, I'm just as surprised to be writing. How have you been since I left? Lonely? Distraught? I bet you have._

Halt sighed. He could just hear the sarcasm in Will's voice shouting at him through the paper.

_I was going to write, even if that thing didn't happen when I left, but I had to spend a week getting used to my fief first. Things are so quiet here; a lot different from Redmount. I'm not sure whether to be relieved or disappointed. Seacliff is such a quiet fief that everybody has practically forgotten all their responsibilities. Don't tell anybody I said this, but the Baron and Battlemaster are so lazy and irresponsible I'm starting to forget this is an actual fief. But excuse me for having proper training._

_Other than that, everybody here is nice enough. Kind of. They’re either afraid of me or respect me like I’m a threat to them. I always knew that people were afraid of rangers… and I saw firsthand that everybody was afraid of you, but I guess I assumed that was because you were intimidating as a person, and not because you were a ranger. Apparently it doesn’t work that way._

All these words sounded just like Will. They were jumping out at Halt in all kinds of colors that looked like him: blue, green, white; following the sound of his voice that Halt knew as well as his own. He didn’t have to strain to hear it, and Halt hoped he would never have to.

_I got a dog._

His eyebrows raised. A dog? Halt told him more than once as an apprentice that rangers didn't have time for pets.

_Yes, a dog, because my cabin, my rules._

Ah.

_I found her on my way there, beaten and abandoned by (I suspect) a horrible excuse for a man named John Buttle. If I ever have the chance to convict him of his crimes, I swear I'll make him wish he was never born first. I don't understand how people could be so cruel to animals who have done absolutely nothing wrong._

_I could go on and on about this, but, you know…_

_She needs me, and it's not too hard to take care of her. Who says rangers don't have time for pets? You liar._

Halt hadn't been lying.

Plus, the writing was getting much messier now. Will had given up on making it neat about two-thirds through the letter.

_I'm training her right now, and she gets along really well with Tug. She's too cute… she's sleeping by my feet as I'm writing this. I'll bring her to the next Gathering so you and everybody else can meet her._

_But you know the real reason I'm writing, don't you?_

The room seemed to grow darker when Halt read those nauseating words. His stomach turned like someone had punched him in the gut.

_I have to bring it up. I’m not sorry about that, but I don't have much to say, really. It happened, and I have to acknowledge that it did. I can't ignore it._

_Why? I just want to know why. I'm pretty sure there's just one answer to that question, but I have to hear it from you. Don't lie to me and tell me 'it was a spur of the moment thing' or ‘I don't know’. Tell me the truth._

_Why did you kiss me, Halt?_

If they had been talking, Halt wouldn't have been able to give him an answer.

_I'm not angry at you, I'm just really confused. I have so many questions, please respond._

_Your Confused Fellow Ranger,  
Will_

Halt admitted he was confused as to why Will wasn't angry at him. He had plenty of reasons to be.

Halt was supposed to give him a normal send off. It was going to be nice, and sweet- Halt would give him some last minute advice, tell him "you can do it!" probably less enthusiastically; maybe give him a hug or at least a pat on the back. Like a good father figure.

But no, instead he gave in to the temptation that had been eating away at him for the past year, and he kissed him. 

The moment felt right. Halt couldn't explain how it did, but Will was looking him in the eyes, their faces were within that distance, and the urge to embrace him was so overwhelming that Halt did it before his common sense could kick in. He kissed him. It was a good idea at the time…

It didn’t feel as great as Halt thought it would. It was better. If Halt wasn’t so sure he was so completely, irrationally, hopelessly in love with Will… well, he was definitely sure now.

And Will never pushed him away in disgust, but he never kissed back. When Halt pulled away, all the blood had rushed to Will's face and he was gaping at him; mouth open and speechless. He couldn’t breathe. Halt had stolen every inch of air from his lungs.

When Halt pulled away, he wanted to tell Will how long he’d wanted to be this close to him. He wanted to tell him how complete he felt when he touched him like that. Or he could’ve leaned in and kissed him again, giving Will a chance to either push him away and yell at him, or kiss back. At least if Will had yelled at him, Halt could've felt better knowing he’d gotten what he deserved.

But no. Halt’s mouth went dry, and he couldn’t think of a word to say. It ended just like that.

Maybe if he’d said those things it would’ve been a little different, but he left Will without an explanation. Which explained why Will was so confused. Halt just kissed him, with no confession and no apology. The only thing he did was back away and let him leave.

He wished Will had yelled at him.

\--------------

**Five Days Later**

Every morning, Will felt the nearly overwhelming temptation to sleep in. Who was there to tell him not to?

Luckily, the past five years had taught him more than just how to fire a bow and arrow. It also gave him extraordinary self-control. If nothing else, he could persuade himself with the knowledge that if he slept in, he’d feel awful for it later and get behind on his work. So every day he woke up at the same time.

The majority of Seacliff started waking up after Will had already been at it for a few hours. As he was getting around to his morning round of paperwork, he heard a knock on the door. He wasn’t too surprised. Ivan usually came around this time.

Will opened the door and there he was.

"Good morning, Ranger Will," Ivan greeted, without a hint of uneasiness in his voice. Ivan was one of the few people in Seacliff that respected him, but didn't fear him.

The ranger gave him the same friendly smile. "Good morning. Got anything today?" he asked.

"Yeah, um…" Ivan dug around in his bag for something, "a letter from Halt O'Carrick. Ranger Halt from Redmount."

Will's face lit up. Finally, he thought, and some tension he’d been holding released. He snatched the letter from Ivan, opening it as soon as it was in his hand. "Well about damn time," he muttered. "It's been a week."

"We can always put a rush on the next letter… maybe your first one didn't reach him in time." Ivan remembered clearly how serious Will had gotten when he gave Ivan the first letter to send to Halt. Will wasn’t usually that serious.

"Depends," Will said. "I'll let you know.” He was keeping his mind open to the possibility that Halt just replied to him to say ‘I don’t want to talk about it’. And what could Will say then? ‘No’? He had to respect that, but he was hoping it wouldn’t come to it. “Anything else?" he asked.

"No, that's it."

"Then could you give the Battlemaster message for me?" he said.

"Of course.”

"Tell him his report on the knights' progress is late." Will sighed. "He was supposed to send it yesterday, but I guess he forgot.”

"Okay, I will…" Ivan said.

Will waited, even after he agreed, because the doubtful look on Ivan's face said there was a problem. The ranger raised one eyebrow accusingly.

Ivan shrunk under his gaze and answered, "Well, do you think the Battlemaster will listen to me?"

"If you tell him it's from me, then yes. Most likely. And if he says otherwise, let me know and I'll knock some sense into him,” Will replied. Ivan smiled, and left quickly after that to take care of it.

Will couldn’t- and wasn’t going to- wait very long to open the letter, but he managed to calm himself down just enough beforehand. He didn’t want to expect too much. If he didn't get his hopes up, he couldn't be disappointed (another Halt wisdom).

He barely got inside the cabin and closed the door before giving his attention down to the letter. It was definitely Halt’s handwriting. He smiled because he recognized it, but he’d only seen it a handful of times. It wasn’t that he recognized the style, it was that it looked like Halt, and it looked like his voice.

_Will,_

He could feel his heart fluttering in his chest when he read his name.

_Good that you're doing well. It's hard adjusting at the beginning, but that's only the first week. You'll get used to it._

_Is getting a dog payback for that one time you found a stray dog and I said you couldn't keep it? I still stand by that. Rangers don't have time for pets, and the only reason you do is because Seacliff is the level zero fief._

_Do whatever you want with the dog. She's your responsibility, but when you move to a new fief, don't be surprised if it gets harder to take care of her._

Will chuckled. Rude.

_Lonely? Distraught? Hilarious. Yes, I cried tears of blood after you left, Will._

_As for your question… you already know the answer. If you need it in writing, here it is: I like you, and I made the mistake of showing it. It was completely on impulse; I never intended to tell you._

_I'm sorry it had to go like that. Don't tell anyone I said this, you know how horribly that would end. It’s just a mistake, so let’s not make a big deal out of this._

_Your Apologetic Ex-Mentor,  
Halt_

Will burst out laughing. He was also kind of pissed off, but it was hilarious, and he didn’t know exactly why. Halt was being way too casual about this. “Let’s not make a big deal out of this”?

That was the one thing Will was incapable of doing.

Will didn’t pretend that his heart didn’t jerk in his chest when he read “I like you”, even when Halt said it so lamely. Had he not expected that? In writing Halt couldn't pause, mumble, or avoid the subject so he wouldn't have to answer him. Halt liked him.

And then he apologized. A lot.

Will couldn’t wait to write him back that night, so he got to work right away.

_Apologetic Ex-Mentor,_

_You should have more faith in me. I can definitely take care of a dog and be a ranger, just like I can take care of Tug. The reason you don't want animals is because dogs are too needy. You should get a cat. A cat will hate you just as much as you hate it._

_You're a lot like a cat, Halt. You want affection one minute then to be ignored forever… You spend most of your time alone, or wanting to be alone, pretending you don't give a shit about anything. Why don't you get a cat?_

_Back to the real issue here, don't be sorry. I definitely won't tell anybody- I wouldn't even if I was angry at you. And why should I be angry at you? Because you were my mentor? Because you were like a father to me? Because you're a few decades older than me? Because you're a guy? Or maybe all of the above…_

_Anyway, I’m not. It just doesn’t seem to bother me. Call me messed up, or whatever you want, but we have to talk about it. I don’t care whether you’re a guy or not, and I know you so well that I don’t think about how old you are anymore. I’m not a kid, and you’re not my father. Definitely not now._

_I'm not sure how I felt about it… I've been trying to figure that out, but it's hard to when I don't have hardly anything to compare it to, and I wasn't thinking about how it felt when you kissed me. I wasn’t think about whether I liked it or not. I was thinking ‘what the hell is he doing?’._

_Maybe I could describe it better if you kissed me again. Or if I kissed you, because I have to return it, don’t I? I don’t have to, but I want to. That's what I've been thinking about._

_I'm just saying._

_Your (Very Thoughtful) Ranger,  
Will_

Halt's cheeks flushed with color when he read that. He read those few lines over again, just to make sure he read that correctly, but it said exactly what he'd thought. Was Will offering to kiss him?

 _Well…_ Halt thought. Two can play at that game.

As soon as he said those words, it all began.

And Halt almost regretted giving in, because for a short while, everything felt okay when deep down, he knew that none of this was ever okay.

But he did it anyway.

\--

_Will,_

_You should phrase that differently, because right now it sounds like you’re offering to kiss me. Incredible. I thought you’d have learned from my mistakes._

_My logic is: why should we talk about something that’s just going to make things worse? We don’t have to complicate it further than it already is. We should just leave well enough alone._

_And for the last time, I’m not getting a cat. I already have a pet. I don’t need a cat._

_Your Skeptical Ex-Mentor,  
Halt_

Gilan happened to be visiting when Will got the "are you offering to kiss me" letter, and Will didn't wait until he left to open it. Gilan was sitting at the dining table, and Will was nearby but across the room on the couch. They had enough space between them that Will could read something private without him seeing.

"What's that?" Gilan asked. He wouldn't have mentioned it, had Will not been so obvious.

"Nothing." Will didn't take his eyes away from the letter. "Just something from the Baron."

"What did the Baron say to you that makes you grin like that?"

"I'm not grinning," he said, grinning. "Also it's none of your business."

Gilan tsked three times. "Secrets, secrets…" But to his credit, he didn't push it any farther.

Will began his next letter that same night. He almost felt sorry for the mail boy(s) running these back and forth between Seacliff and Araluen, but some sacrifices had to be made in order for the two Rangers to flirt via letter…

It took place over the course of roughly a month:

_Hypocritical Ranger,_

_I said exactly what I meant, but what's really incredible is the guy who just confessed his love to me is calling me out for flirting. I don’t want to leave it alone, and I don’t think you do either._

_Don't tell me you want me to stop… Or are you gonna come shut me up?_

_Yours Truly,  
Will_

_PS. Get a cat, Halt.  
PPS. Since when did our letters get so short?_

\--

_Audacious Ranger,_

_I never said love. I clearly remember writing "like". You should read your letters more carefully, it comes in handy as a ranger._

_In these past five years I don't remember ever training you to do these things… things like "come me shut up", “I don't think you want me to stop” and admitting you're flirting out loud. How did this happen, and where did it come from? I've officially failed as a mentor._

_Your Fellow Associate Who Is Not Getting A Cat,  
Halt_

_PS. I never said I wanted you to stop._

\--

_"Fellow Associate",_

_You never said love, but it was implied. I think you were too shy to say the word, just like you haven't said anything outside of those “PS”s._

_And I’m not sure how this happened, to be honest. I sudden regret not doing anything that day you kissed me, after you pulled away and we stared awkwardly at each other for a few seconds. I could see the exact moment the light left your eyes as you realized what you did; it was amazing. And kind of pretty._

_Your Friend Who Really Thinks You Should Get A Cat,  
Will_

_PS. I can’t wait for somebody to intercept this letter and end both of our lives._

\--

_Respected Colleague,_

_First of all, I don't like the word ‘shy’. It’s a weak word… I also don't like being called pretty- how am I pretty? I am many things, but not “pretty”. There are other ways you can call me attractive, you know._

_But could I count that “I wish I’d done more” as a confession?_

_Secondly, I agree with you, that I should’ve done more after that kiss, too. Next time I will. I don’t make mistakes twice... and if things continue like this I might just have to take you up on that offer to "make you shut up"._

_Was that a PS?_

_Your No Longer Apologetic Ex-Mentor,  
Halt_

\--

_No Longer Apologetic Ex-Mentor,_

_Okay, I won’t say “shy”. I’ll say timid. And if you're going to "make me shut up" then I guess I better keep talking._

_I’m glad you’re letting down your guard. I was getting worried… but I guess for my first try at this, I got it through your head pretty quickly. (I’m trying my best here.) I bet you're blushing as you're reading this right now._

_Gilan found out we’re writing each other. I didn’t tell him anything, don’t worry, just that we’re talking. He’s angry because you never wrote him when he became a ranger. He should be sending you a letter some time._

_By the way, he says hi._

_Your Wonderful Best Friend,  
Will_

\--

_Mediocre Best Friend,_

_Why are you with Gilan? How do you have the time? I feel like my two apprentices are conspiring against me. It’s like having two ex’s becoming friends because of how much they hate me._

_If Gilan’s still there, tell him I said hi back. I got his letter.. Suddenly I regret getting mixed up in all of this._

_But you never answered my question. I asked if that “I wish I’d done more” was a confession. Was it?_

_Your (Feeling Betrayed) Ex-Mentor,  
Halt_

_PS. As to the “I bet you’re blushing right now”, I never blush. I make other people blush. Like you. Just wait, I’ll show you._

\--

Will couldn't deny he could feel his face growing warm when he read those words. He was ecstatic. Halt was dropping his guard now, he could feel it. “I’ll show you”? He was looking forward to it.

Will was ready to respond the next day, but for the first time since he graduated, his ranger duties actually got in the way of his personal life. It was a rite of passage.

It had been almost two months since Halt kissed him, and a day after Will got the last letter. Skandians showed up to raid Seacliff and Will stopped them, but then had to go to the Gathering grounds to meet Crowley.

Halt heard about it in Araluen, so he excused Will from getting back to him, at least for a while.

He’d waited long enough; he could wait a little more.

\------------

Halt was in his office in Castle Araluen when he heard a knock at his door. He was almost done with his paperwork, and desperately hoped that whoever was at the door wasn't there to give him more. The sun was still up, and at this pace he could make it back to his cabin before dark.

If his headache ever went away.

"Come in," Halt said, and the door opened. It was Crowley.

"Hey, Halt," Crowley greeted, stepping in.

Halt was confused at first as to why Crowley was here, then he remembered in a flash. Will. The mission. He pushed his chair away from his desk and faced the commandant, attention captured. "Crowley," he replied. "Everything went well?"

"Perfectly. And I've got…" Crowley paused, taking a look around the room. "It's dark in here."

"I'll give you a hint- I closed the curtains."

"Why?" Crowley ignored his sarcasm. "Let in a little light; it helps with work."

Halt sighed, not bothering to watch Crowley as he walked across the room to open the curtains. No matter how busy Crowley was, it seemed like he always had time to get on Halt's case about stuff like this. "Did you come in here just to badger me about the windows?" he asked.

"That's not all of the reason. You've got mail." Crowley turned briefly to take a letter out of his pocket and toss it to Halt. It was a clean throw, received with a clean catch.

Before Halt saw the handwriting, he knew it was from Will. It had to be, and he was right.

"It's from Will. He told me to give it to you when I got back, with strict orders not to open it." Crowley crossed the floor and opened the next window.

Well thank god, Halt thought. There was no tear on the outside, so Crowley hadn't messed with it. Halt made a move to open it, then figured he shouldn't, with somebody else here.

Distracting him from his thoughts again, the commandant said, "Keep the windows open. It's good for your skin."

Halt raised a skeptical eyebrow. "My skin?" he repeated.

"It's scientifically proven that the more light you get, the more healthy your skin is." Crowley smirked at him like he knew lots of things Halt didn't.

"Well that's great. Too bad I don't get nearly enough sun as a ranger."

"Touche."

Crowley looked like he was about done bothering him, but just as he walked to the front door and put one hand on the doorknob, he turned and looked at Halt more seriously than he had before. He looked like he'd decided not to say this before, but now he was giving it second thoughts.

“You should've gone with me," Crowley said, in a sadder tone. "Will was disappointed you weren't here."

"I was busy," Halt reminded him curtly.

"I know, I'm just saying. He's gonna do great on this job."

Halt nodded, and Crowley somehow thought that was an adequate response.

He winked, then walked out of the open door into the hallway. "Remember! Skin!" he called behind him.

"You're the only one who cares about it!" Halt said. He wasn't sure if Crowley had heard him; he shut the door near the end of that sentence.

As soon as Crowley was gone, Halt tore open the letter. This was a long one.

It said:

_Halt,_

_I trust Crowley hasn't opened this, and if Crowley is reading this… stop. Now. Don't be rude._

_Things have picked up again. The Skandians tried to raid Seacliff, but I talked it out with them and instead of stealing everything we own, they came to dinner and had a fun time. War is so overrated, you know._

What a classic ranger move.

_Crowley told me he invited you to come with him… why’d you turn it down?_

_I'll say it out loud (or, in writing): I wanted to talk about this in person. If you don't want to yet, I guess that's okay, but we'll still see each other at the next Gathering. That is, if I don't come see you first._

_Or are you still too busy apologizing?_

Halt didn’t respond, even in his head. But he sat there for a few second, staring at that line, wondering why Will chose those words.

_I have a mission, now, and I don't know how long it'll last. I don't know exactly where I'll be staying, so I think it's safe to put all this on hold until I'm done. I'm sure you'll hear when I come back to Seacliff. Just write me then._

_I just have one question: What do you want to happen?_

_To answer your last question, whether that was a confession or not… Even if I knew, I wouldn’t tell you. I have to keep you on your toes somehow, and I don’t want you to change your mind while I’m gone._

_So what do you want to happen? Think about it._

_Until then._

_Your To-Be-Decided,  
Will_

_PS. You should really get a cat._

Halt sighed. He put the letter down on his desk, and leaned back in his office chair. So that was it, was it?

Halt was suddenly conscious of how big the room was, and how quiet it was. Time was moving slower already; he could feel it creeping along under his feet, like it was ignoring him and torturing him at the same time. This gave him plenty of time to think about this. What did he want?

And time passed, as time usually does.

Then in that silence, everything that Halt had felt growing over the past few months died.


	2. A Wrong Turn

Halt laid on the couch, reading Gilan’s latest letter. Since Gilan had heard Will and Halt were writing each other, he had started doing the same thing as he thought it was only fair. They had become as regular as one or two a week. Gilan would keep him updated on strange things he ran into, or thoughts he had… 

Halt couldn’t say he didn’t like it. Letters were the only way that rangers could have regular contact when they were so spread out.

And it was a good distraction.

 _Any news from Will?_ Gilan wrote. _I don’t know how you’d know anything because he’s pretty much on his own now, but I had to ask._

But even distractions couldn’t keep his attention forever. People would ask him this once in a while, he suspected because when anybody close to them thought of Will, they also thought of Halt. Their names were grouped together more often than not. That would change once Will made a real name for himself, but for now, every time Halt would answer with the same thing: he’d heard nothing from Will and didn’t expect to.

Then hopefully they’d take a hint. No longer did Halt want to talk about Will.

Will was a great ranger. Halt didn’t have to hear it from him that he had the mission under control. He told Gilan something like that to assure him everything was fine (leaving out the “great ranger” part, of course).

\--------------

Alyss and Will had just made it out of the thickest part of the Grimsdell Woods.

After Will cut his way through the tangle of vines and branches, they found a clear, man-made path laid out for them. Will’s dog waited for them on the path with a look that said, ‘well, it took you long enough’.

Will was tempted to retort back to her with something snappy, but he realized just in time that this was in fact a dog that could not talk and could not understand him. Even worse, Alyss would make fun of him if he did that.

“Well, what do you know?” Alyss smiled. “Here it is.”

“We’re onto something now.” Will walked forward, eager to continue. “We’re definitely getting close.”

Alyss tried to follow him, but when she went to take a step she found that something was holding her foot back. She wasn't ready for it. Before she could regain her balance, she was tipping over and falling face first towards the ground. Even spreading her arms out to catch herself wasn’t going to break her fall much. She cried out quietly to get Will’s attention.

Will turned in alarm; he reached his arm out as far as he could to her. Alyss was fast enough to catch it, whether through panic or agility, she didn't know.

Just for now she forgot about dragging him down with her, and held onto his arm as much as she needed to. Will put his arm around her waist, and pulled her up until she was back on her feet.

He chuckled. “Probably not the scariest thing that's going to happen tonight,” he said.

Alyss grimaced at him, but it turned into a smile at the end because of what he said. “Thanks,” she mumbled. “It's dark out here.”

“I could carry you,” he offered.

“Tempting, but I'll pass.”

He probably would've done it if she said yes, though.

Only after she wasn’t in danger did they realize just how close they were. Alyss was mobile again, but neither of them moved. They stayed. They stared at each other. Despite how dark it was, Will could see the color of Alyss’s eyes. Were those specks of green in her grey eyes?

In the short time they’d been together on this mission, Will had noticed every light touch Alyss gave him on the arm, and every extra smile she shot him. She had never done this before, and Will had never returned or initiated them until now.

Just a minute ago, they had been riding on Tug and Alyss’s arms were around him. Will asked himself ‘what does this mean?’ but he knew what it meant. Any other time and he would’ve been too skeptical. He would’ve thought ‘no, she’s just being nice’ or ‘no, we’re just really good friends’, but he knew. He was hyper-aware, now, thanks to somebody in particular… 

Will also noticed how he was reacting to this, to her casual arm touches and extra looks. He was playing right along, and that was the most confusing thing about it.

Had he been any other situation, Will would've had a real crush on her. Alyss was beautiful, and not just in the attractive way. She was more than beautiful- she was interesting. She was strong, and intelligent, and sweet once she let her guard down, but her cool front helped her do her job and she did it well… Will had known her as long as he’d known himself, and yet he never grew bored of her. She was just like that.

Will set her back on her feet, and dropped down to cut the vine off her leg. “Watch your step,” he told her.

Alyss nodded. Her answer was delayed; she obviously had a lot on her mind too. “Got it,” she said.

Once she had shaken her foot free, she could catch up with him. Their shoulders brushed briefly together when she joined him at his side, and she shot him an unmistakable look. It was more friendly than flirtatious, but it let him know that that shoulder brush wasn’t a mistake.

Will smiled right back.

They agreed to keep an eye out for anything unusual, and then were met with silence. Will tried to focus himself completely on the mission, but he couldn't stop thinking.

Again, his mind drifted back to his former mentor and the letters they’d sent each other. Will wondered for the thousandth time how Halt was going to react to his question. What did Halt want to happen? And, similarly, what did Will want to happen?

He bet Halt was thinking ‘he's forgetting about me by now’, but Will hadn't. Not a day went by when he didn't wonder about what was going to happen when he got back.

When he got back…

Alyss pulled him out of his thoughts with, “I’m glad we’re doing this together.”

Will turned, looking at her skeptically. “This mission?” he asked.

“Yeah. I mean, we’re a good team, and…” Alyss shrugged. It was too hard to meet his eyes now. She felt like a fool. “I dunno.”

Will smiled. “We are,” he replied. It occurred to him that Alyss wasn’t trying to create a weird moment between them, but she just wanted to start some kind of a conversation. A grand effort, he thought. Better than saying nothing.

He wanted to help out, too, but something shiny caught his eye before he could go on. He pulled over to a tree trunk to check it out.

“What is it?” she asked, watching him look closer at the bark.

Will thought he’d seen something glimmer, but as he looked harder, he found it was just a piece of glass. He looked down, and saw the remnants of more smashed glass at his feet. “Stand back,” he said. “There’s glass over here.”

Alyss walked closer. “Think it’s important?” she asked.

“Not really. You can find this sort of thing in the woods a lot.” Alyss moved to his side so she could see for herself, and Will didn’t hold her back. Maybe she could find something he couldn’t.

“There’s some chipped bark, too,” she said, tracing her finger around the area. “Somebody probably smashed a bottle in this area, probably not on accident. How could that happen, though? Nobody comes in this area anymore.”

“Could be from a while ago… Could be a number of things,” said Will. “Who knows what happened?”

“Yeah. Probably nothing having to do with the sorcerer. Let’s just keep it in mind.” With the problem resolved, she stood up straight, looking somewhat refreshed. She really did enjoy this.

She looked even prettier when she was excited about something. Not just in the physically attractive way… in another he couldn’t understand.

Will smiled down at her. There was only an inch of difference between their heights, but he remembered how he used to tease her about being shorter than him.

When they became apprentices, Alyss was taller, but during Will’s third or fourth year of training he surpassed her. Not to mention Will still had a few more inches to grow. Alyss was done. He’d be even taller than her in no time; then he could pat her head, or rest his chin on the top of her head… Probably not that much taller, but he could try and it would piss her off.

Will almost laughed when he realized that he’d had these exact same thoughts about somebody else, who was also shorter than him.

It came out of nowhere that Will suddenly said, “I’m happy we’re doing this, too, by the way.” He hadn’t even thought about saying it. It suddenly burst out of him, just like that. If he had a little more time to think it through, maybe he wouldn’t have done it.

Alyss tried to contain her smile, hoping it wouldn’t get too big, but Will knew how happy she was. And he guessed he was kind of happy, too.

“You’re good at this,” he said.

“I’m even better with you.”

Realization dawned on them both.

It took a while, because they had to be careful with these things. Everything happened at half speed. She leaned in. He leaned in. And somehow, like they’d both agreed on it, they slowly came together until their lips met in the middle. There was no awkwardness to it. They just clicked together.

They kissed like they had never kissed before.

Girls’ lips were much softer than a guy’s, Will noticed. Whether this was good or bad, in his opinion, he didn’t know, but the sensation that came from kissing Alyss was much different than anything he’d felt before, from kissing Halt or kissing a younger Alyss. They were different people when they were younger. They fit much nicer now.

Her lips were soft, and he could feel the heat radiating off her cheeks. Her lips tasted as sweet as she was.

They pulled away and were still close enough to kiss… but following every first kiss was a few seconds of nothing where it was do or die. What happened in that small span of time could change their entire relationship forever, no matter what path they went down next. There were two routes: kiss them again, or walk away.

Alyss leaned in again, but instead she found empty space where his body had been. She opened her eyes.

Will was walking away, his back to her. “Keep an eye out for anything weird, and don’t forget to look up,” he said. “That’s where people never look.” He got that tip from Halt.

Will kept walking, not watching to see when she followed or not.

\--------------

“Everything alright?” Crowley asked, one afternoon. They were sitting in his office, for a meeting that turned out to be more like a lunch date.

Halt feigned confusion. “Same as always,” he said.

“Yes, but is that alright?” Crowley had a serious look on him, and it didn’t suit him very well, Halt thought.

“Everything’s fine,” he told him. “I don’t know why you’re getting on about it, but-”

“You’ve been different lately, Halt.” The commandant leaned back in his chair.

“Go on.”

“Grimmer.”

“Am I not always grim?”

“Well, yeah,” Crowley admitted, “but it’s different. I don’t know how to describe it, but it feels like something happened… And you’re not talking about it, but you’re thinking about it a lot. And it’s making you sadder.” He cocked his head to the side, like looking at Halt at a different angle would help him understand him better. “Know what I mean?”

Halt did. That was exactly it. But he’d never tell him, because that would mean having to tell Crowley about Will, and everything that happened… which, worst case, could result in getting released from the Corps, and best case, would end in an immense loss of respect for him. Still, Halt found it surprisingly hard to deny it directly.

“You’re not my therapist, Crowley,” Halt said.

“You’re right.” He paused. “I’m your friend.”

Halt was two feet from the edge, and when he jumped off, he would tell Crowley everything. Maybe he could trust him… No, he told himself. No, he couldn’t trust anyone. Especially not the head of the Ranger Corps. They’d take away his Oakleaf, or worse.

Halt’s heart was pounding, now. His hand flinched, he couldn’t tell from anxiety or wanting to move. He needed to leave the room so this conversation couldn’t go any further, or make up some kind of excuse… Crowley wasn't going to admit he was wrong very easily.

“I understand, though,” Crowley said. “It’s hard having somebody leave who you’re so used to being around. You were writing him for a while, though, right?”

Realization dawned on him. Crowley was definitely getting at something else than what Halt had thought. If he could muster any kind of feeling inside him, he’d be relieved.

Halt answered without a moment of hesitation, “Not since he left for Norgate, but yes.”

“Well at least for that. That makes things a little less lonely.”

“I’m not lonely.”

“Mhm.”

Halt rolled his eyes. “I’m not. Why are we talking about this?”

“Losing an apprentice is hard. Last time it happened, you were on edge for a while. Irritable. This time it’s worse. Now you’re just sadder…” Crowley said. “You can't hide everything, y’know. But there’s no reason you can’t talk about it.”

There was every reason why he couldn’t talk about it. Even losing Will as an apprentice- just that, without the kissing part- he couldn’t talk about that, either.

“I’m worried,” Crowley said. “I’m worried about you.”

“Don’t be. There’s no need.”

“There’s every need.”

Halt stood up from his chair. If Crowley wasn’t going to let this go, then he had to leave before it went any farther. “If this is all we’re going to talk about, then I might as well go,” Halt said.

“Halt-”

“There’s nothing wrong with me.”

“Stop lying to me-!”

“Shut up! There’s nothing wrong with me, just drop it already!” he snapped. Even in saying it the way he did, he knew he was contradicting himself.

He waited for Crowley to say something back, but it never happened. Crowley stared, blank, then suspicious, like he’d caught him red-handed. He knew he was lying, and so did Halt. He may as well have admitted it.

Halt hated the silence between them. In that moment, he hated everything: that conversation, the atmosphere, Crowley, Will, and most of all, himself. He left the room and had enough self-control not to slam the door behind him.

Next time he ran into him, Crowley didn’t bring it up. He never brought it up again, but Halt always felt like he was being watched more carefully than before. From then on he made a bigger effort to act normal. That was the least he could do for the Ranger Corps, and for everybody else.

But he had lied. There was everything wrong with him.

\------

At first answering Will’s question was easy. Halt knew what he wanted to happen: he wanted to tell Will he loved him more than the world itself- more than anybody else he’d known, more than an apprentice and way more than a friend. He wanted to kiss him again, but deeper and slower than last time. He wanted to make him understand just how he felt, and he wanted Will to kiss him back even harder. It was love right from the start, and if it was ever less than that it was too subtle for him to notice. Falling in love with Will was a slow crescendo, too slow for him to notice, then suddenly a cannon so loud it made his ears ring. His ears were still ringing from the shock.

But he had some time to figure out what he was going to tell him, which was probably not that.

As much as Halt excused it as something else, he was lonely without Will to talk to, in letters or in person. And then grew to be more than just loneliness. It was like the crash after a caffeine rush. He didn’t know he had gotten his hopes so high until he found a reason to lose them.

The more Halt tried not to think about him, the more he thought about him, and the more he strained to avoid it, the sadder it made him when he did think about it. Suddenly he wasn’t eager for Will to come back.

Because suddenly he hated the person he was before Will left for Norgate.

And he hated the person he was now even more.

Maybe that was all for the best.

It had always been wrong, after all. The only surprising part was how Halt had managed to forget about it for a few months.

He reread Will’s letters constantly, trying to cheer himself up and tell himself this was proof it was okay. If Will was just as into it as he was, then it was okay, wasn’t it? But he knew better.

And then it was more than guilt.

It had grown from a little bit of a headache to a tidal wave of hatred and incessant unhappiness, so big it knocked him over again and again until he couldn’t get up. Sometimes it suffocated him. It felt like it, when he was shaking so hard he could hardly get up, and his entire body crumbled... It drove him mad. He hated it.

When he looked down at his hands, especially on the nights when they shook extra hard, he could see the blood of all the men he’d killed. All the arrows he shot that ended people’s lives. He could see the hands that gripped his apprentice’s shoulders and brought him in to kiss him, and he wanted to cut them off.

There were just a few nights where he cried, but every other night it was the exact opposite. He was devoid of tears, and that was worse. Halt wondered if, when people looked at him, that was what they saw: a man devoid of tears. A man devoid of reason, and incapable of real love.

Knowing everything he’d done, they were probably right.

\-----------------

Miles away, Will was sleeping on the forest floor, staring up at the sky like there was something to look at. It was cloudy that night, but he couldn’t see the clouds. They were so many, and they blended in so well that it didn’t look cloudy. The sky was one, dark, empty color, after all the stars had fallen out.

Will closed his eyes. He pushed his eyelids down so far that he could feel the tickle of his eyelashes on his cheeks. No matter how many times he rubbed his lips together that day, he couldn’t get the prints Alyss’s lips had left on him off his mouth.

For a fleeting moment, just before he went to sleep that night, he wished Halt was there with him.


	3. Fives and Zeros

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, I keep finding little mistakes in the first and second chapters- like forgetting a word or making a tiny grammatical error so I’ll keep updating them and fixing them whenever I find something like that. My editing can only go so far. Anyway, thank you to everyone who commented and is saying nice things about this story :) you're the best

Alyss was gone. Kidnapped. Things had taken a turn for the worse in Norgate. Will could feel it all building up to something but what, he didn’t know. Like a rope trying desperately to hold him off the ground, wearing thinner and thinner, waiting to break. 

At least he and Alyss weren’t totally without communication. Alyss had taught Will a way of communicating over long distance, a Courier’s code, so Will knew she was at least alive and as well as she could be. She was acting strong, but she was always strong. The only difference now was that she was at somebody’s mercy, and she was still strong. 

This was no war, but it felt like a war to a boy- a man who knew what a war felt like. It wasn’t a war they could win alone. He had the support of Erak and his Skandians. Horace, sent by Halt and Crowley, met Will to give him an extra hand. 

Then it was thanks to Malcolm and Alyss that they got a lead, and thanks to them that Will and Horace ever came up with a plan they could put into action. 

A party of Scotti were coming down to Macindaw to discuss terms with Keren. Will and Horace saw this as a perfect opportunity to intercept them without revealing their position to Keren. With the Scotti, the castle would be impossible to take over with so little an army. They had to stop them before they got strong. 

The two friends, aided by their small army of Skandians, captured the Scotti party and took them back to Malcolm. Then there was the problem of getting information out of them… but Malcolm took care of that. 

Will felt the absence of his friend by his side with every passing moment. He worried daily about what kind of things she was facing. 

From what Will heard, Keren wasn’t hurting her… He was hypnotizing her for information, but nothing else. Was that lucky or suspicious? Will didn’t know, and he didn’t want to worry anybody, so he kept it to himself. There was only one thing he could do, and that was take down Macindaw and rescue her. 

And they didn’t waste any time doing that. It was tricky. Creating a battle strategy felt similar to a maze. To accomplish their goal they had to twist in and around corners; climb the walls (because that wasn’t cheating, and all is fair in love and war); sometimes run into several dead ends and retrace their steps, and with work and creativity, they could find their way out. 

Will decided he would be the one to rescue Alyss and kill Keren personally, if it came down to it. He couldn’t wait to pull the edge of a knife across Keren’s throat. 

He scared himself sometimes, thinking like that. Lately he had become so bloodthirsty and he didn’t like it. This was why he hated war. 

He hated war because he could always taste blood on the tip of his tongue when he said he did. He hated war because of what it did to his friends. He hated war because when Keren hypnotized Alyss again and told her to kill Will, she said she would. 

Keren told her Will wouldn’t lay a finger on her, and she believed him, and she would’ve believed him if she wasn’t under a spell. It was true. Will thought about temporarily disabling her so she wouldn’t be able to hurt him, but if she was truly under a spell, she would stop at nothing to hurt him. A shot to the leg wouldn’t take her down. She would limp to him. A shot to both legs wouldn’t stop her in her tracks. She could crawl. 

For a minute Will tried to bargain with the crazy man. He promised Keren escape if he released  
her from the spell. Keren played along, and Will figured if Keren and Alyss escaped he could just hunt them down later. 

Secretly Will was praying it would work, because he had an idea of what would break the spell, and he would give a year of his life to not have to do it. 

Then, at the last moment, Keren turned and screamed, “Kill him! Kill him now!” 

And Will had to say it. Alyss turned and raised the sword above her head, about to cut Will in two- Will, who would let her if there was no other choice… 

He whispered, “Alyss, I love you, and I always have.” 

She stopped. She didn’t stop, she froze. Something in Will burned. After the initial shock faded, Alyss collapsed to the ground sobbing like he’d never seen her sob before. Will felt like doing the same, but instead he launched himself at the bastard Keren. With every cut through the air or his skin, he drew blood. Keren was an expert swordsman, but Will was beyond angry. Rage drove him past Keren’s guard, past his sword and through to his heart. 

Keren’s life was Will’s before he hit the ground. Some of Will’s muscles began to relax when he knew he was dead. Alyss’s shock, surely there even if he didn’t turn around, didn’t register in his mind. All he could hear was his words: “Alyss, I love you, and I always have”. Poison in his mouth... Lies, all fucking lies.

He was just calm enough to hug Alyss back when she put her arms around him. Just enough so that he felt a little bit warmer when she thanked him, and her tears glossed against his neck.

After days in Macindaw, she smelled as sweet as ever. 

\-- 

He didn’t regret saying it. He had to break the spell, and from the way Alyss kissed him back when they were seeking out the sorcerer- and how she leaned in for another kiss when he pulled away- he knew she would respond to that. It was the only reason he won that battle. 

Before he knew it, it was time to go back to Seacliff. Before he left, Will asked Malcolm whether or not Alyss would remember what he said. Malcolm gave him… an unclear answer. “Maybe,” he said, and he smiled. 

Great, Will thought. 

Then Alyss mentioned she had been having some interesting dreams lately. Will had too, but not about her. 

He told her to not think so hard about it until she got stronger. The conversation ended there. 

Will was proud of his work. That pride and sense of accomplishment was the only thing keeping him from going insane over a nagging headache. It ran across his forehead and down into his stomach. It caught him around every turn. It was unbearable. Why, why did he say he loved her… He wished he knew how to cut it out of him. Those words didn’t belong to her.

There was one thing he could do. 

Just before he and Horace said a public goodbye, with Alyss being the public, Will pulled him over to a private spot. He reached into his cloak, into his pocket, and pulled out a sealed envelope. 

“Can you give this to Halt when you get back?” Will asked. He held out the letter, and Horace reluctantly took it. 

“Sure,” he said. “What is it?” 

“Nothing important.” Horace knew he was lying. Will had pulled him into a private spot just to give him a letter. His eyes were never still; they looked around for anybody who was watching. 

Will said, again, “Just make sure he gets it.” 

Horace nodded carefully. He didn’t know what was going on, and he decided there that he didn’t want to know. He promised he’d get it to him. 

\-- 

Will hated goodbyes. They were the worst part of every mission. He knew he’d see Malcolm again. If their lives wouldn’t overlap, which they most definitely had to at some point, then he’d make sure they did. The same went for Trobar, Blackie, now Shadow, Orman, and everybody else. He could’ve given a big speech about it but he thought it might turn out a little sappy. 

But now it was just Horace, Will, and Alyss. 

Alyss turned to Will. Their eyes met. “Thank you, Will. Thank you for everything,” she said. 

She said it like they were saying goodbye forever. Maybe they were. Maybe she thought they were, at least, saying goodbye forever from one part of their lives. 

“Thank you,” Will said. “I couldn’t have done any of it without you.” That was true. 

Alyss smiled, but it wasn’t too big. It was soft, like a touch of light, just enough to bring up a room from completely darkness and enough to show the outline of a person but not enough to see their face. 

She put her hands on his shoulders. He knew he couldn’t move. When she grabbed his shoulders, she put her own spell on him. She paralyzed him.

So he didn’t move when she leaned forward and pressed their lips together. 

She kissed him even sweeter than she did the first two times, but all Will could think about was how much he wanted to break away. Even if he couldn’t push her away, he wasn’t kissing back. No matter how soft her lips were. It didn’t feel anything like it did that night when he kissed her first.

She was still holding him in her embrace when she let his lips go. He still stayed perfectly in place. He was worried it would be too abrupt and hurt her feelings, and maybe that would expose his real feelings. He couldn’t do that. Will didn’t like hurting Alyss. 

And someone was bound to get hurt here. 

“Write to me,” she said. It wasn’t a question. 

“I will,” he replied, and she finally let go of his shoulders. He wouldn’t meet her eyes when she walked away. 

Will said a simple goodbye to them both, when he would’ve really wanted to end on a lighter note. Suddenly he didn’t feel like talking much. 

He and Tug rode away in silence. It wasn’t until then that Will realized he wasn’t breathing. He tried breathing. It felt weird in his throat. 

Tug couldn’t understand humans, but the feeling that hung in the air was heavier than the load he carried. 

\-----------

Will met Crowley at the Gathering Grounds like he did before his mission. A piece of him hoped Halt would be there, too, but he was slowly beginning to understand what made Halt duck out the first time. 

That dread, that fear… like chains holding them down. 

Well, Will had already sent his letter. He sent it before Alyss kissed him for the second (really the third) time, and it was a good thing, too. Had he written it after, he might’ve confessed everything that happened at Norgate out of guilt instead of what it really needed to say. 

\-------- 

 

It was a long ride home. Will got back some time in the afternoon, when the sun was nearing its highest (and hottest) point in the sky. The sea breeze kept the hot fall weather at bay. 

When Will got back to his cabin, he had five times as many letters as he expected to have. That original number was zero. 

Or maybe it should be one, he thought, this idea having occurred to him when he saw the collection of letters he came back to. Five times zero is zero. Then... Well, he had lots of mail. 

There was one from Orman. It came with a package, too: a new mandola. It sounded beautiful just from the few times he plucked its strings to try it out (aside from being well out of tune). 

There was a letter from Crowley, a dispatch sent out to all rangers to warn them about a new threat. He kept it in mind. 

There was one from Alyss, then… 

Will’s heart dropped. Alyss. 

He swept all the other letters to the other side of the coffee table. It served no purpose, but it somehow made him feel a little better, maybe a little freer to focus his mind on one thing. Or it might give him room to throw down the letter in frustration. 

With some effort, he forced his fingers to break the envelope, and unfold the letter. Alyss had pretty handwriting. 

He read: 

_Dearest Will,_

_I trust this letter finds you well and happy._

_Lady Pauline is keeping me busy, but she gave me some time off to entertain Horace last week. He was visiting for one of his swordsmanship classes. He said to give you his best wishes. While he was here, I told him about a strange dream I keep having. We’re back in the tower, and I have Keren’s sword in my hand, and he’s telling me to hurt you, and I can’t refuse him. But then you say the most amazing and wonderful thing, and it completely breaks his hold over me._

_Horace says it might not be a dream. He believes it’s a memory. I wish with all my heart that he’s right, and that you did say what I think you said. He also told me that people like you and me spend too much time thinking things over and not enough time just coming out and saying them. I think he’s right. Write to me please and tell me what you did say. In the meantime, I’ll take Horace’s advice and just say it myself._

_I love you._

_Alyss._

The blood in Will’s veins stopped flowing, but his hands wouldn’t let go of the letter. They were trembling, but they wouldn’t let go. 

Will clenched his jaws together, and then with an exhausted sigh, let them go lax and collapsed into the back of the couch. God, he didn’t want this. He didn’t want any of this. 

“Fuck,” he whispered. 

\-------

Halt finally got back to his cabin early in the evening. 

He’d been out most of the day without lunch, but his strength never failed him, and he wasn’t hungry now when it should be time for dinner. He thought about not eating, but he knew he would regret it in the morning if he didn’t, and it was never wise for a ranger to go without food if he didn’t have to. 

He’d gotten two letters since he was gone, he noticed dismissively. Halt stooped to pick them up from the porch deck, and looked through the addresses absentmindedly as he opened the door. One was from Crowley; a dispatch, he guessed. And the other… 

Halt stopped just before he opened the door. His hand slid off the wood, limp, like he was too weak to hold on anymore. He kept staring at that name, waiting for it to change, or waiting to read something he hadn’t read before. 

He opened that letter before he got in the cabin, dropping the envelope next to him without a care. He didn’t rush to open it. If anything he was lazy. He didn’t think he had the strength to be excited about it.

The wind picked up, and he didn’t feel a thing. It picked up the torn paper before it hit the ground, winding through the maze of trees and the darkness hanging in the air, off to somewhere Halt couldn’t see. 

Maybe he’d have to chase after it later. 

 

\-- 

 

_Halt,_

_Hey. Long time no write. I sent this back with Horace in hopes it’d get to you quickly. I’m… not really sure how to begin this. Hi. How have you been? I’ve been well. Kind of._

_We finished up at Norgate and took back over Castle Macindaw. All the “magic” that I thought was magic turned out to be fake, like Crowley said it might… I’m almost disappointed. It’s okay, I’ll run into a real sorcerer someday._

_When I say ‘real sorcerer’, of course, I mean no offense to Malcolm. He was great, more than great. I’ll have to tell you more about him._

_That reminds me- my dog count is now zero. I gave Blackie to Trobar, one of the people Malcolm took in. He’ll be able to care for her more than I can. So no one got to meet her in the end (but Alyss and Horace, and Malcolm, and Trobar). You’d have made fun of her anyway._

_Everything’s taken care of, as far as we know. Everybody’s saying I did really well and I think that’s true; you trained me well. Don’t worry, don’t worry, you can help me celebrate and shower me with compliments later. You’ll get a chance._

_I know you probably planned on writing me once you heard I was back home (I’m calling Seacliff home now… it feels weird), but I wanted to get in the first word. Have you been well?_

_I already asked that. My brain is all over the place today. I’m really jittery while writing this, if you can tell by my handwriting. I really do have something to say and it’s making me nervous. You’re making me nervous. This is my fourth time writing this. How are you doing it?_

_So, I want to see you. It’s been too long and honestly, some things are much better talked about in person. Some things have happened since we last talked, things you should hear about. So there’s only one thing I know for sure, right now…_

_Yes. You asked twice if something I said (I can’t remember now) counted as a confession… and the answer is yes. In writing…_

_I like you, Halt. I like you, a lot, and I want to see you._

_…No, that’s not right. Forget that, I lied._

_Halt, I love you._

_Your Friend,  
Will _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little note- I copied Alyss's letter straight out of book 6, so that writing is not mine and some of the dialogue (just one or two lines) in the beginning half is straight from the book. Otherwise it's mine :)


	4. Four Definitions To A Name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like this chapter, I hope you like it too. Thanks to everyone who’s supported this so far, you guys are amazing… I can’t believe how passionate the Wilt shippers are. Enjoy

As much as Will wanted to keep distance, he had a responsibility.

_Write to me please and tell me what you did say. In the meantime, I’ll take Horace’s advice and just say it myself._

_I love you._

He sorted his thoughts out.

It was critical he see Alyss in person, and if he ran Tug the whole way it wouldn’t take any time to reach Redmont, compared to sending a letter, which took a week. So he was going to Redmont.

But as long as he was there… His lips curled into a smile.

Halt still had to reply to Will’s letter, and what he said would determine Will’s next move. He also didn’t like surprises. But going to Redmont and not seeing Halt, something they’d been talking about for months, was just a waste of time. He needed to see him. To hear his voice like he did when he read his letters.

Then there was Seacliff to consider, too.

Will laughed. It was such a surprise to him that he felt the laugh came from a different place entirely.

He reread the letter again, despite how much it hurt him. Alyss was the first priority right now. Her feelings were the most important things to keep in mind.

_Write to me please and tell me what you did say. In the meantime, I’ll take Horace’s advice and just say it myself._

After reading it the second time, he knew what he was going to do. He was going to Redmont in the next few days. He would wait two days to catch up on as much work as he could and wait for Halt’s response, and whether he got it or not, that’s when he would go.

But he still had to give him a heads-up he was visiting. The best idea would be to send a letter ahead of him, but it all depended on Halt’s answer. He could completely reject him (which was a sickening thought anyway)… and then what would he do?

Even if he wrote it now, it still wouldn’t get there fast enough.

Then Will got an idea… One that made him smile as much as before. Never ask a boy to do a ranger’s job.

So he stuck to his plan. It was a good plan to comfort him whenever he felt like he wasn’t doing anything. Two days went by and he carried on with his life as if things were normal.

Had he known he was going to see Alyss he might’ve planned this a little more efficiently. He would’ve asked Halt if they could meet up in his first letter and saved the bulk of it for later, but at this point what if’s didn’t do anything but torment him. He tried not to think about any of that, like “what if he hadn’t messed up in literally every way possible”. It didn’t get him anywhere.

Finally, on the day Will called the ‘deadline’, he got what he’d been hoping for. Halt’s reply.

_Will,_

_I honestly don’t know what to say… I’m a hard man to render speechless, but you’ve done it._

_We’re talking seriously about meeting, I see. I doubt they’ll let you leave Macindaw after that mission, so I should probably come to you, right? That shouldn’t be a problem. Crowley’s been pushing for me to get out and go somewhere._

_I try not to focus on it, but the more I read what you said, the more I realize that you’re talking about two things. You mention there are some things best talked about in person, yet you say ‘I love you’ in the letter. I’m not sure how much bigger an issue can be than that._

_It’s unnerving, but I suppose I’ll find out soon._

_I can’t try to predict what’s next, can I? I’ve tried planning this out like a recipe, step by step, but you’ve foiled all my plans to tread lightly._

_Let’s try to take it slow until we both know everything. Until I know what you have to tell me, and we both make up our minds._

_-Halt_

_PS. Was your dog really named Blackie when you gave her to Trobar? Fucking Blackie? You can’t be serious._

Will laughed. Then he wasted no time getting his stuff together and leaving.

Two nights ago he packed a bag full of everything he would need for the trip. It was sitting on the couch ready to go as soon as Will was, filled with food, paper, knives and the like. He picked it up from his room, left a note for whoever looked for him the next day, and saddled Tug up for the journey.

He knew Tug could take it if he ran him most of the way there. They only stopped twice, once for dinner and so Will could finalize his reply. The second time for a short rest. He already had the first few drafts in his bag for reference, along with Alyss’s and Halt’s last ones just in case he needed to remember details about them too.

He filed all of Halt’s early letters in one folder, incorrectly titled to trick anyone who saw it. For this part of the long, ongoing conversation between him and Halt, he had a new folder. That one he brought with him.

Maybe somebody would find both folders, someday far in the future. Find Halt’s stash of memories, too. Maybe they’d put them together and discover the truth about them.

Or maybe Will would burn them after it was all over.

He wrote:

_Halt,_

_This is sudden, but something happened, and I’m visiting Redmont on some other personal business. I think as long as we’re here, we might as well see each other. I should be there the day this letter gets to you (yes, I know what day that is). I don’t think I’ll stay in Redmont overnight, but we should at least have dinner. My treat._

_About your last letter- yes, Blackie. I know. But that’s coming from the guy whose name means “stop”._

_-Will_

\--

There was enough light for Tug to navigate the way. A quarter moon hovered above them, just one light in a wide strip of tinier lights going down what Will could’ve called the stomach of the sky. The rest was black, not blue that night.

Tug ran like the wind when he had obstacles in his way, and faster when there was nothing. This part of the country was nothing but rolling hills and grass as far as the eye could reach. It was big enough for another hundred horses to join Tug and still have more than enough space to roam…

But tonight he owned the world. His hooves hit the ground with such grace that Will believed they were flying. 

With no sleep and no obstacles to look out for, Will couldn’t do a thing but turn his eyes to the vast emptiness ahead and wonder. Wonder at what? The black sky stretched in every direction and closed him in to his world like a dome, blocking his escape and then wiping hundreds of miles clear for him to roam at will. It was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. He couldn’t decide if he felt stripped of his freedom or if he was drowning in it.

Compared to the world, he was so small. Never was that so obvious than in a huge crowd or completely alone.

He exhaled a short breath and yet never felt the heat of it pass through his lips. He raced through the open, empty world. They cut through the air like a knife. The cold wind kissed his cheeks as he fled.

\--

Will got to the edge of Redmont as the sun was coming up, and he wasn’t even tired. Once he knew he was in the fief he brought Tug to a slow walk and let him take his time from there. It wouldn’t take long to get to Halt’s cabin after that, and the mail boy came around at ten o’clock. He had time.

There was a limit to how close he could get to the cabin. Too close and Abelard would sense him. Especially since Abelard had known him for years, Will didn’t know just how far away he had to stay. A lot, probably.

He got off Tug and sat beneath a tree until it was time for action, not just for shade but for cover. He wrapped his cloak around himself and waited.

Hours passed. Will didn’t utter a word that entire time, just kept himself busy with whatever he could. He took out his letter again and read over it, and he thought it still sounded fine. Not once did he feel like sleeping. Tug laid on the other side of the tree, sleeping or not, Will didn’t care. He didn’t need Tug for this part of the plan.

Finally he heard the crunching of leaves, and a stranger approaching him from behind. Will stayed absolutely still; he was on the side of the tree the stranger couldn’t see him unless he was looking for him. But once the boy passed him, Will could see his back.

His name was Garrick, a fifteen year old boy Will knew for two years before he graduated. If it was just him- and this was just the boy he needed to find- he didn’t have to scare him into a favor.

Will stood up, and that caught his attention. Garrick whipped around looking ready for a fight. He probably would’ve tried to fight Will had it not been Will- and he’d only seen a sword maybe twice in his life.

Will waved him over. “Hey,” he greeted, and Garrick relaxed his whole attitude.

“Ranger Will!” The boy jogged closer. “Good mor-”

“Keep your voice down,” Will said. Suddenly he was much quieter, and much more serious. “I can’t let Halt know I’m here.”

Barely audible now, Garrick whispered, “Oh… okay.”

“I don’t need much. Can you just give this letter to Halt?” Will revealed an envelope he’d been hiding under his cloak and held it out to him.

Garrick took it without glancing at the back. “Yes, sir,” he said, “but why not-”

“Not that quiet, I can barely hear you.”

Slightly louder he said, “Sorry- why not give it to him yourself? I was just on my way there, he’ll be happy to see you.”

“Can’t.” Will gave him a smile, one that was more to assure him than to give off sadness; however, he did that, too. “I have somewhere to be.” He gave him a nod and started back to Tug, but not before remembering the most important thing. “Oh, and Garrick.”

“Yes, sir?”

“Don’t tell him I gave it to you just now. Pretend like this didn’t happen.” There was no reason for that than to avoid a few questions, and also to not have to tell Halt he was stalking out his cabin for a few hours.

By the way he stared at Will he definitely didn’t understand his reasoning, but he knew better than to ask. He nodded and slipped the envelope in his bag.

Will rubbed Tug’s head and the horse snapped to attention. He rose to his feet, shaking off any leaves or drowsiness leftover from his nap. Will didn’t mount him just yet. Leaving, he’d be harder to spot off a horse.

Just before he moved on, he looked at Garrick and smiled.

“It’s good to see you again,” he said.

“You too, sir.”

Then Will led Tug by the reins and walked in the direction of Castle Redmont.

He liked Garrick. He was young, and naïve, but loyal and did his job responsibly and with enthusiasm. He was the break of innocence that Will needed to revitalize him before he left.

\--

Alyss and Pauline had to keep up a tradition of seeing each other regularly as Alyss was getting more and more independent with her work. Every morning at eleven they’d sit down together and talk over a few cups of tea. Half the time it was coffee, and they refused to believe it was because of the Ranger Corps’ influence.

Alyss joked about hosting a classy, traditional “tea party” with her best friend, a party so exclusive that the only way to get in was to be invited by somebody who was already a member- but they never invited anyone. And she’d say they talked about serious diplomatic issues, like national affairs and current events, as civilized as two, classy courier ladies should be. In reality it wasn’t nearly as formal as all that. Usually they’d make fun of their work and laugh at other people.

They were on time this day like always. Pauline had a bigger room than most, it having two rooms, which made it more like a small house than a bedroom: one for her bed, and then a lounge where in the middle two couches sat around a glass coffee table. She and Alyss had their talks there.

“I might tell you someday,” Pauline said, elegantly sipping her coffee like it was tea. “Ideally, however, you’ll never have to know.”

“You can set me up a treasure hunt.”

“I might.”

“You know, if somebody does take advantage of this time,” Alyss explained, “which is more than likely because we’re so predictable, we’re just setting ourselves up to be taken advantage of- and that’s fine and all but I should know where to go to defend myself, shouldn’t I?”

“You have a knife on you now, right?”

“And it’s about as big as my chances of defending myself with it.” That earned her a smile from her mentor. “Whoever attacks us will have swords. And many more men,” she said.

“Then you go to where you think I’ve hidden them,” Pauline said. She enjoyed teasing Alyss sometimes, testing her limits and stretching her. More often than not Alyss struggled to bait the answer out of Pauline before she took a guess- and she knew she would be right if she did.

“Well thank you.” Alyss looked around the big room. “I’m sure I’ll make it in time.”

“I’m sure you will.”

Alyss gave her a deceivingly sweet smile.

“So besides that, how have you been?” Pauline asked, crossing her legs and adjusting her pale blue dress down just below her knees. “We saw each other only briefly yesterday.”

Alyss barely paused before she answered, but just that much time was like a full five minutes of silence to Pauline. She began, “Well, I-”

“What happened?”

Alyss bent over and laughed. She didn’t expect to, but she was glad she did. “What do you mean?”

“It’s Will, right?” Pauline looked like she wasn’t asking for an answer. “He didn’t write you back yet.”

Alyss had told Pauline about her letter to Will before. In fact, Pauline was one of the few people she consulted before sending it. She wasn’t just her mentor in the Diplomatic Corps, she was her mentor in life.

“He hasn’t,” Alyss said. “I was actually hoping he’d visit me instead of writing, but I don’t know. Maybe something happened and it didn’t reach him.”

“Possibly.” Pauline sat back and thought for a second. Alyss could see the wheels turning in her mind, and eagerly awaited her answer. Not only was Pauline more knowledgeable than her, but she knew more about men than Alyss did.

She said, “My only guess is that the letter didn’t make it yet, or his letter back hasn’t gotten here yet.”

Alyss’s mouth dropped, then she closed it. “That could be it…”

“But I’m not so convinced. Will is the kind of guy who would want to tell you in person. The only reason you didn’t go to him in person was because you were unsure of his feelings- mostly unsure- and he must be sure now. Have faith in him.”

Alyss hesitated, and then nodded, because she knew she was right. “You’re right,” she said aloud.

“Dear, I know.”

Alyss laughed. “Thank you. And I do have faith in him. Whatever he says, it’s-”

She was interrupted midsentence by a knock at the door. Pauline and Alyss glanced at the noise, then each other. It was unusual for someone to interrupt them, as it was early in the morning and everybody knew that this was their private time together.

“Great. Please tell me where the weapons are,” Alyss said, and Pauline grinned.

“Nothing like that, I’m sure,” she said. Loud enough for them to hear outside she called, “It’s open, come in.”

A guard, dressed in light armor and the official colors of Redmont stepped in the doorway. Alyss knew she knew his name somewhere. He said, “My ladies,” and bowed; then continued, “Miss Mainwaring, you have a visitor requesting your attention.”

“Is it Will Treaty?” she asked, and the guard nodded.

“Yes, my lady.”

She let out a huge sigh of relief. She moved to set her coffee down and stand up, but Pauline beat her to it.

“Send him in,” she said, straightening her dress as she got up. “I’ll leave you two to talk.”

Alyss gave her a grateful look, which Pauline returned with something similar. By the door, the guard bowed and left. Pauline walked past her on her way to the door, and she briefly placed her hand on Alyss’s.

She didn’t say a word, just smiled and nodded. That was equivalent to a ‘good luck’ in mentor language. Then she walked out, presumably to eavesdrop from the hallway.

There was a minute or two Alyss spent alone in the room, after Pauline left and before Will got there.

It passed through her mind that she could pour him a cup of coffee while she waited, but the thought occurred to her too later for her to decide. The door opened and standing there, in his normal ranger attire minus the cloak, was Will.

Alyss looked at him with a smile that was one step away from being a grin. She rose to let him sit first, just like a man would greet a woman at a dinner party or similar meetings. It was just her immediate reaction. Whenever she had a conference with someone, she and other couriers would agree to stand up for the men when they came in the room instead of the other way around, to turn the roles on their heads.

“It’s nice to see you,” she said, and gestured to the seat next to her.

Seeing her joy, and her failed effort to appear casual, Will couldn’t help but smile too. “I’m glad to see you too.” He walked around the other side of the couch and sat down as she did.

Since they weren’t on opposite couches, like Alyss and Pauline had been before, they had to shift their bodies a few degrees so that they could see each other while they talked. It took a while for any real talking to start.

It was a guessing game first. Both of them had something to say, both of them knew what it was. Both of them waited for the other to go first.

“I was just having coffee, you want some?” Alyss asked.

“I’m fine. Had a cup before I got here.”

Alyss nodded, wetting her lips before continuing, “I didn’t expect you this early. It’s not a problem, of course… but how long did it take you to get here?”

“The night.” He filled the awkward pause with a laugh.

Alyss looked puzzled at him. “Did you sleep?”

“Not really.”

“Wow.”

“It’s fine, I’m not tired.” Will waved it off. “How’ve you been?”

“Oh, yeah, been well. There’s always some calm after the storm, you know?”

“There is,” he agreed.

“And you?”

“I’ve been well.” He sat back in the couch a little bit. His hair fell a little farther over one eye, making Alyss smile for some reason. “Seacliff didn’t collapse while I was away,” he said.

“Well that’s always good.” But she looked oddly sincere when she said it.

The initial thrill of seeing Will died, and died into seriousness. It disappeared as gradually and discreetly as a cold after she’d sweat it all out.

“So, you…” she accidentally lowered her voice, “you got my letter?”

Will swallowed, and regretted it. “Yeah, I did,” he said. “I thought we should talk about it here.”

“Me too. We should.” Alyss composed herself more. She straightened her back and hardened her eyes. Will hoped he was doing it as well as she was, but he doubted it.

He began, “Well… first of all, you were right about your dreams. You weren’t imagining that… it happened.”

Alyss’s composition lost its hold. Hope glistened like tears in her eyes. “You… you really said that…” she whispered.

“I did.”

“That night in Grimsdell, when we…” she paused, “I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how.”

“Alyss…”

“What?”

When she stopped in her tracks, she stopped Will, too.

Will took a lungful of air, preparing himself. Now that it was finally time to rip off the band aid, he was finding holes in all of his plans. Nothing could help him get the outcome he wanted.

He knew that no matter how much he tried, it would never be perfect.

“I don’t know how to say it, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I led you on, but…” he whispered, “I don’t feel the same way.”

As long as it took to blink, her whole world had stopped.

Will could even see her shoulders physically stop moving. He hadn’t knocked the breath out of her, she had forgotten the need to breathe. Any noise turned suddenly to white, even the hard pounding of her heart.

Alyss could barely form words, but when she did she said in a tiny voice, “Led me on? You… you said you loved me.”

“I had to break the spell, and I knew that would do it,” explained Will. “I’m sorry.”

Will was trying to read her expression, but her lips were sealed. She didn’t know what she was thinking. Her eyes turned away, down to the table, to the floor, at her lap… never once meeting Will’s.

“I wasn’t lying. I do love you, Alyss… but it’s not in that way,” he told her.

“I understand… It’s okay. I mean…” She wrote the letter knowing very well that Will might not return her feelings, and yet it always felt certain that he would. It just didn’t make sense to think that he wouldn’t, because of what happened in Grimsdell… 

“And Grimsdell?”

“I, I don’t know,” he said, quite honestly. “The moment was there, and I wasn’t thinking about anything else.”

Alyss quite honestly didn’t know what to say to that. Her heart had never been broken before.

“We’ll be friends, right?” Will asked.

She nodded. “I just need some time, it’s fine.” Those were real tears in her eyes, now, getting bigger.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” She didn’t want to cry in front of him. “Please go.”

Will nodded. He promised, “I’ll write you”, and then stood up.

He wanted to apologize again. He wanted to hug her, actually, but he got the feeling she’d push him away and then her disappointment would become anger. He didn’t think he could take it if she yelled at him.

Pauline was waiting for him in the hallway after he left. She knew from the lack of noise inside that things hadn’t gone well, and based on the way she reacted, she probably knew about the letter too. She was much taller than him when she stood up straight like she was. That was unnerving. She stared at him, not like she wanted to make him cower in fear, but like there were big, bold letters on his forehead that read ‘guilt’.

“My lady,” he addressed her, with a short bow. He tried to appear as normal as possible, then walked past her briskly.

It was only after he left away that he realized looking normal was much worse than appearing guilty. She might think that he wasn’t sorry. Will wished he could turn back time and change that, now it was just another thing to eat away at him.

Will rushed out of the castle as fast as his legs would go without sprinting. He leg Tug from the stables, jumped on his back and left.

\-------------------

When Will was running from something and had nowhere he planned to run to, his compass always seemed to turn him in the same direction. He spent most of his early life in an orphanage, but even back then he always felt more at home in the forest.

He had no idea what to do, but at least this felt right.

A nice looking tree provided enough shade and was far enough into the forest that Will couldn’t see Castle Redmont, or any of the town. He was ready to spend the day there; the only issue was that there was nothing to do. He had a book in his pack, but when he tried to read it he found the words made no sense to him. No matter how many times he read over a passage, he couldn’t understand it, like suddenly it was a completely different language to him. It nearly drove him insane before he put it away.

He did whatever came to his mind, and wouldn’t involve getting up.

An hour passed.

Once he did get up and go for a short walk, then he returned to a different tree and twirled the knife around his fingers.

Another hour passed. And another.

Will kept out his knife and reached for a stick lying next to him. Like falling into a nervous habit, he carelessly shaved off the bark, bit by bit until it was bare. He swept away the shredded pieces whenever they piled up. The razor-edged blade carved the end into a point much like the point of a spear, though Will left it slightly blunt so that it wouldn’t cut him accidentally. It couldn’t draw blood, but it might give him a splinter.

He did that for a while, because it required no real thought.

No one could see rangers when they didn’t want to be seen, and there was nothing a ranger gave away unless they wanted to give it. So Will didn’t know if he sensed the one behind him because Halt intended it to be so, or he was getting better, or Halt was getting worse.

But suddenly he wasn’t alone.

Halt slipped into the empty spot next to Will, one eye on his work. Will didn’t even acknowledge it at first, and Halt didn’t need the validation.

“That looks important,” he said.

His voice sounded foreign at first. Not unfamiliar, but foreign in a way like Will had heard it before in a dream. In real life it was a completely different experience. A step from being uncomfortable and one less from euphoric.

“It’s very important.” Will made a much bigger, harsher cut off the top, then looked over at Halt. Their eyes met for the first time.

“What’re you doing here?” Will asked, as it was the only thing that came to his mind.

“This is my fief,” answered Halt. “Why are you here?”

“Did you get my letter? I’m here for some business.” Will was too close to saying ‘and for you’.

“I meant why are you out here under a tree and not looking for me?”

Will paused for the right words. “It’s still early in the afternoon,” he said. “I was planning on coming in the evening. For dinner.”

Halt nodded. He knew something was wrong, but he had less of an idea of how to ask about it. He’d never been good at that, even with Will.

“I see,” he said, simply, and felt comfortable leaving it at that.

If Will had asked him if he had work to do, Halt couldn’t have lied. For better or for worse, Will never asked, so Halt never left. He let Will return to his nervous work.

“You know, you could’ve left my name alone,” he said, suddenly.

Will laughed. “It’s okay,” he replied. “My name has more than four definitions. You’re not alone.”

At some point after that Will took his back off the tree and laid down. At another point not too much later, he closed his eyes, and fell asleep as effortlessly as he had been able to stay awake before.

Halt still didn’t move. It was too quiet to.

He avoided it for as long as he could, but eventually he had to look at Will. And in looking at him, he couldn’t find a single thing that didn’t belong.

The sun painted shadows of leaves over his skin, tattoos that swayed with the wind. Will’s lips were parted open a sliver, opening and closing with each breath; Halt bet he didn’t know how hard it was not to kiss them.

Mocha colored hair fell around his eyes and bordered his face, and Halt was more than tempted to brush it back. He wondered for a second if it was possible to touch the side of his face without waking him… run his fingers through his hair and he’d never have to know.

He didn’t, decided it was too risky and laid down beside him with a little more space between them than before.

He wasn’t looking at Will then, but up. Up at nothing. With nothing to think or do, he closed his eyes. Then an arm reached across his body.

Halt flinched before he was paralyzed. The sleeping (or was he?) ranger turned over on his stomach, and half onto Halt’s body.

“Will…” Halt whispered; he planned to tell him to stop, but his words failed him. Will didn’t answer. His head fell on Halt’s chest.

The top of his hair brushed Halt’s chin, and the smell that reached his nose was intoxicating- like a sweet tasting poison. He felt every piece of weight and weightlessness that Will gave him when they touched. It was a step from uncomfortable, and one less from perfect.

Will’s breathing synced with Halt’s. Either that or they already matched.

Maybe it was just guilt that kept him there, but it did its job. Halt laid his head back down, defeated. Will had won this round.

He unconsciously moved his arm from out under Will and curled it around him protectively. No matter how hard he fought, he couldn’t tear it off.

\---------------------

Halt opened his eyes to the same place he’d left off. It was still day. Will was still soundly asleep. It could’ve been four minutes or four hours he’d been out- he couldn’t tell, because nothing had changed. One had to wonder what Will had been doing that made him so tired in the middle of the day.

Or maybe he was faking it the whole time. That was possible, too, because it wasn’t long after Halt rose from his sleep that Will woke up, too.

When he did, it was subtle. Halt was at a disadvantage to see his face, so he had to rely on touch. He felt Will’s jaws tighten when he swallowed. The tops of his cheeks moved when he blinked hard enough. And with his ear right next to Halt’s heart, he could probably hear how hard it was pounding and when it sped up about three beats after he woke up.

He didn’t get up for a minute, and Halt didn’t plan on telling him to. It was too hard for him to fall asleep at this point, so Will just spent the time enjoying where he was. Enjoying the feeling that maybe this was how it was supposed to be.

He finally sat up on his elbow, right next to Halt’s face where they were at a beautiful angle to see each other.

“Halt…” Will whispered. Halt’s eyes never wandered from him. They never had.

“What?” he asked, but he knew what.

Will didn’t give an answer. His hand cupped the side of Halt’s face, tracing his thumb across the curve of his beard. He leaned in close until their noses touched.

Their gaze never wandered from each other, no matter how much closer he got. Halt’s dark brown eyes meeting Will’s lighter ones- two different shades of the same hue.

They kept each other still, getting closer and closer, daring each other to move in or move out before it was too late… Before it was too late, Halt moved lifted his head. Their lips connected as one.

There was no pause on Will’s side. He kissed right back and harder. Halt grabbed the back of Will’s head, tangled his hand in his hair and pulled him against him. Will could feel the rough edge to it, like the rough patches around Halt’s unexpectedly soft lips, like the rough parts in Halt. It made him taste so much sweeter. He craved more. They both craved more. Their grips on each other got tighter as their kisses deepened, and Will twisted his face to a farther angle where they could feel every part of each other they were kissing.

The first one was just brief, then it segued easily into another, and another, until the lines where Will ended and Halt began were forgotten completely.

One hand still held the older ranger’s face and kept him in place, gently, but unyielding, like he was scared for him to run away.

It might have been just something in the air that afternoon, but neither one of them ran.


	5. I Don't Want To Know

**Two Years Earlier**

“Go on, try harder.”

“I am,” Will insisted. He was tired of Halt telling him that over and over again, but he was even more tired of losing- too much to take it out on Halt. It wasn’t his fault Will was losing. Halt never gave Will anything he didn’t know for sure he could handle.

They reset their positions. Will caught his breath.

The second he was ready, he turned the knife over in his hand and rushed at Halt again.

Anybody else would have had to jump clear out of the way to avoid that. Halt didn’t. One second the knife was aimed perfectly for him, the next, it was an inch away from his face. He knocked away Will’s second attempt at hitting him and countered. The blade came close to Will’s stomach before he whisked out of the way.

When the apprentice tried to cut up, Halt’s arm met his down low and stopped it in its tracks; they collided again up higher in an x-like formation, this time under Halt’s control. Will pushed them away.

They were too far away to fight, now. Neither one panted too hard when they caught their breaths. ‘You first,’ they seemed to say. 

Halt hated how difficult it was to remain immersed in a standoff. Will never took his eyes off his opponent. He didn’t just look at him, or through him, he looked straight into him. Like Halt was the center of everything around them, the axis on which it all turned. Like there was nothing else in the world he wanted to think about but him.

Halt got drunk on that kind of look.

Will ran forward. The first attack wasn’t meant to hit him, it was to bait Halt into dropping his guard. Halt saw the way Will held himself back just slightly more than usual and didn’t fall for it. The real attack went to his head. Halt was able to block it and then drive a punch into his open stomach.

Will grunted and lurched forward. He pushed Halt’s arm away and tried thrusting straight at him, but Halt was just waiting for the right chance to catch his arm.

With one hand in Halt’s tight grip, Will couldn’t fight back. Halt swung to kill. Will ducked, but with one mobile hand, there wasn’t much else he could do.

Halt knew he was going to win at this point, and he would’ve, had Will not used his trapped hand to his advantage. He stepped under Halt’s arm and got up close to him, much closer than one should be in a knife fight. 

Their bodies brushed together quite intimately.

Halt’s mind went blank.

He forgot about being in the perfect position to stab him in the back. He couldn’t think of a single thing because he was right there and so close, close enough to touch, and with Will pressed up against him it felt really, really good. The world centered. And if he tilted his head just up a little then- and Will’s knee shot up and hit him in the stomach. 

Halt didn’t grunt because he’d already lost his breath. With every muscle in his body gone lax, Will was able to rip himself from his grasp. His blade brushed against the hair hanging behind Halt’s neck. And then he’d won.

“There,” he whispered, right next to Halt’s ear, unknowingly making Halt’s breath catch in his throat.

Will pulled away and was smiling breathlessly.

Halt couldn’t meet his eyes. At this point it didn’t matter if Will noticed something was wrong when he looked away. “Good,” he muttered, no emotion in it.

He asked for Will’s report of what he’d done right and what he’d done wrong, and he explained that in the ‘wrong’ category, at the very top of the list in fact should be that last move. 

He could try and forget what’d happened. Obviously, nothing had happened.

Will had used a very risky strategy to buy himself time and, miraculously, it had worked. But Halt couldn’t tell him it wouldn’t work against anybody else because then would come the question “Well, why did it work on you?” and why did it?

It was like a hand rising out of nowhere and taking him by the throat. Squeezing until he was sick. But he wouldn't choke.

 

**Present Day**

That night they had dinner out, just like Will had said. The place where they ate compared more to a common tavern than a nice, sanitary restaurant, but the food was worth it. In the air drifted smells of dust underlying liquor, seeping out of cracks in the walls that’d give them splinters if they ran a finger across them. The walls could be sturdier, but the chairs they sat in were stiff and less than wobbly.

Whenever they found themselves in town too late, this was where they would eat.

Halt thought Will suggested it because he could take the bill and repay Halt for letting him stay. Even though Will claimed he wasn’t going to stay overnight, it was getting a little too late to believe him.

The longer they spent there, though, the more Halt couldn’t help thinking there was another reason.

“Everybody knows we’re here, you know,” Will said. “They know who we are, they’re just looking the other way.” Halt looked up from the slick table top he was reading like a book. 

“You think so?” he asked.

“We come here a lot,” said Will, “so much I’m starting to recognize the servers. And we may disguise ourselves in normal clothes, but at some point they’re going to have to start catching on, right?” Most of the time the cloak was what identified rangers, not faces. With Halt and Will, it was a little different.

“Maybe. As long as they give us food and don’t mind too much, it shouldn’t be a problem.” 

Will nodded, but there was a faint trace of distress in his eyes. He was looking down at the table, now, just like Halt was before. Halt watched him until he knew Will could trace it, and took another drink from his mug.

Maybe they could’ve counted this as a date, but having dinner together was something they’d done together every night for the past five years, without a second thought to it. The change was about as natural as forgetting to breathe for a minute or two and not passing out because you’re so used to not thinking about it.

Halt wondered if they were eating out because it would prevent them from talking about anything in public. 

“I can't believe you haven't mentioned my beard once,” Will sighed.

“Your beard?”

“Well…” Will raised a hand to stroke his chin. The growing hairs there were enough to tickle his fingers. “It’s more like the first stages of a scruff, really.”

“Ah.”

“But that’s always where it starts.” Will brushed his knuckles against his jawline. “Some here, too.” 

“Good for you.”

“It’s proof of my departed adolescence. I think it started growing because I worked so hard in Macindaw, and now I’ve earned it… Can you see it?”

“No.”

“Are you blind?”

“No, but I think you’re delusional,” Halt said.

“Want to feel it?”

“That's fine.” Halt did want to, just not there, and not with his hand. He had felt something there before when he was kissing him, now that he thought about it, but it was so slight and he had been distracted by other things.

“You’re missing out,” Will told him.

“Well, you've got a long ways to go before it’s actually a beard. You haven’t yet earned the right to call it that.”

\-----------------------

They had just left the restaurant when Halt’s first instinct was to go to the stables to collect their horses. He realized just in time that they hadn’t brought them.

Neither of them was sure why they left their horses behind. Walking back to the cabin took no more than twenty minutes without them, not a long time, but it would’ve been twice as fast with Abelard and Tug. It was an odd thing to do, subconsciously.

“Thank you for dinner,” Halt told him.

It made Will smile. “It’s the least I can do.”

Crickets chirped in the silence, agreeing.

Will looked over his shoulder and around the area for anybody who was near. It was more than the normal checkup rangers were used to when they surveyed the area. So Halt was a little worried.

He was right to be. As Will’s head turned back around, his hand shot out of its right place to grab Halt’s. He only found empty air. “Don’t,” Halt said.

“Nobody’s here. I checked.” 

“Which is strange for this time of day.”

“No, because they’re all having dinner,” Will said, no hostility in his voice. “And they’re inside.”

“Right.”

They never picked up that conversation.

Within the next ten minutes, they had crossed the border from the town of Redmont into the woods. Will tried again to take his hand but, again, Halt pulled his out of the way in time and put it in his pocket. He had no excuse that time.

\--------------------------- 

The cabin looked exactly the same as it did when Will left. He let go of a breath as he stepped inside, blowing stress out his mouth, oddly feeling like he’d just seen a ghost of his past coming back to haunt him.

The threshold must’ve been some kind of portal because the world inside felt nothing like the world they entered from. There was no telling what’d changed. It was as small as a vase that had been moved from one end of the room to the other. If they were careful enough they could catch it and wonder how in the world it got over there.

The door closed without a sound. “As you can see, nothing here is changed,” Halt said, his back to Will.

“I expected you to turn my room into a storage closet after I left,” he said.

“What? Oh, I did that,” said Halt, draping his jacket over a chair. “I meant everything else is the same.”

“Oh.” Will raised his eyebrows so sarcastically it rivaled even Halt’s signature look. “That sucks…” He inched closer to Halt, thinking out loud, “I wonder where I’ll sleep…”

Halt stopped what he was doing immediately.

“The couch,” he said firmly. “You’ll sleep on the couch.”

Will was grinning when Halt turned around and looked at him with scorn. “Your room is fine,” Halt said.

The mock scorn wasn’t all of what he was giving off. It was a small part that Will was wearing down quickly. And their stares were holding well.

It was no surprise. Will wrapped his hand around the back of Halt’s neck and pulled him closer until their lips came together, and their bodies followed. There was no resistance to meet this time.

Halt slid his arms around his waist. Will’s weight moving forward overpowered him briefly and Halt’s hips knocked back against the table. Will broke the kiss just to say “sorry”, but Halt held the back of his neck and kissed him before he could finish, hard.

Will ran his hand over the side of Halt his arm had been hiding, hand tugging at his shirt and then sliding under as Halt tightened his arms across his bare back. 

There was something on Will’s jaw, like he’d said, Halt felt scratching against his face when he brushed past Will’s cheek to lay his lips on his neck. A breath escaped Will when his mouth was freed, perhaps a groan- they couldn’t tell.

Will’s mind was racing, but he was able to keep up with it. Eventually he tugged Halt over again by his hair and kissed him again on the lips, slowing, but not letting up any. It was even deeper than before, because no matter how hard he could kiss him, it never seemed to be enough. They would always keep coming back for more.

If one more second had gone by, and Will hadn’t stopped, it all may have gone a lot differently.

But Will did stop. He held them apart at an elbow’s length, but just the neck and below. He did so quickly so he couldn’t change his mind, no matter how disappointed Halt looked.

As he whispered, his words fell against Halt’s lips: “Let’s go sit. I still need to tell you something.”

Halt nodded, and stepped back. Will wished immediately he had just not said anything. There was no going back now, though. It was time to do what he’d come here for.

\-----------------

There was a kind of strength in being off balance, Halt realized. When he was ready to jump off of whatever beam he had been trying desperately not to fall off, with no safety net to catch him… Something about Will made him want to fall.

They took a seat next to each other on the couch. Three cushions covered it from one arm to another; Will sat on the edge of the second not too far away from Halt, by the left arm. He thought, any closer and it would cause an issue. Too far away and he was already dividing them in two.

Will made himself a glass of water, something to distract him from talking and an excuse to take his time in case he needed it. If things went like he hoped, though, he wouldn’t need it. 

He sat down, Halt next to him, legs crossed and waiting for Will to say something first. It was like one minute ago had never happened.

Will opened his mouth… then immediately retrieved the glass from the table top and took a drink.

“This is that thing you mentioned in the letter?” Halt asked.

The word “yeah” echoed inside the glass. Will set it back down on the coaster and leaned back. Against popular belief, breathing in and out always increased his anxiety instead of settling it.

“I want you to know that I meant everything I said in that letter,” he told him. “Every word."

“I can say the same.” His tone told him to hurry up. Maybe he was angry at him already.

So this was really happening.

“Okay…” But Will still didn't know what to say. “And before I begin I hope you-”

“Will.”

Will sighed. Halt had had enough of him buying his time, and now he was even more suspicious than before. Will’s only hope was that he was overreacting and it wasn't nearly as bad as he thought. It was only a weak hope, but the only one he could cling to.

“At the beginning of the mission, Alyss and I were looking for this sorcerer. We didn’t think he was a real sorcerer, just a very talented illusionist, but he didn’t have proof so we went into the Grimsdell forest looking for clues. We did find something, but this was before that.

“At one point we had a… I guess you could say it was a moment. We stopped for a minute because we thought we saw a clue, and we were talking about how well we work together, and… she kissed me.”

This didn’t seem to surprise Halt at all. Maybe he had suspected it before Will even said anything. “She kissed you?” he asked.

Will corrected himself, “We kissed each other. It was mutual.”

That was what shut him up.

And he couldn’t look him in the eyes. At least Alyss showed how shocked he was on the outside. Halt just shut up and looked away.

Otherwise, he looked exactly the same, and not one word came out of him. That was what was so scary.

“She… she went in to kiss me again,” Will went on, pulling what may be his only chance at a redemption, “and that time I pulled away, and we didn’t talk about it again.” Will paused. “Sort of. Th- There’s more to the story, should I tell you the whole thing and then let you hate me or just, let you hate me now?”

“No, please, go on.”

Will inhaled. “Okay. When we were taking back Macindaw, Alyss had been captured by Orman’s cousin Keren. At first he was the guy we thought was good, and Orman was the evil one, but we were wrong. He had her locked in a tower, princess-style, which was part of why we were targeting Macindaw.

“He had this magic stone and whoever looked into it would fall immediately under his spell and do whatever he wanted. He used it on Alyss to extrapolate information from her, but then Malcolm got to her another stone that would break the spell when she touched it. That was how she got information to us.

“That night we attacked the castle, she didn’t have it. When I got to her she was under his spell, and he ordered her to kill me. Being, not herself, she said she would. I knew I couldn’t hurt her. I was able to bargain with Keren for a while, but he, of course betrayed it, and Alyss raised the sword to kill me. Because… of how she kissed me before, I could only think of one thing that would break the spell.”

“You told her you loved her?”

Will blinked once, twice. Did Halt really know him that well? Perhaps it was what he would've done if he were Will. “Yes,” he said, voice quiet.

Halt nodded. “I see,” he said; he sounded a little too polite.

Will leaned forward and took a drink of water.

“So does she remember?” Halt asked, in his window of opportunity.

When his mouth was free, Will answered, “I found out later that she was having dreams about what happened that night. At the time she didn’t know for sure. Anyway, after all that, that’s when I sent you the first letter. I gave it to Horace and he promised he’d get it to you, and then we were about to go our different ways. Then… she kissed me goodbye,” Will told him. “That time I didn’t have anything to do with it. But it happened.”

“You could’ve pushed her away.”

Will opened his mouth-

“Did Alyss talk to you about it after that?” he said. There were clues of hostility in his tone.

“She wrote me, saying she loved me too… I went to her personally, apologized, and let her know I didn’t feel the same. That was the other business I had to come to Redmont for I mentioned.”

“And I take it she didn’t react too horribly.”

“She didn’t yell at me, no… She was upset. And confused. And probably still is, but I did it.”

Halt nodded. “I understand how she feels.”

The guilt Will felt after telling Alyss he didn’t mean what he said was somehow so, so much worse with Halt. He wasn’t expecting Alyss to forgive him, but he was praying that Halt would before the night was over.

Nobody was yelling at him that day when he deserved it. Saying nothing was so much worse; Will would’ve done anything for the right words that could fix everything. He would give a year of his life to go back and undo everything. Just how much would he undo?

“Halt, I’m really sorry.”

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for.” Halt turned his stare to the wall in front of him. “You made me no promises. You said, ‘I think it's safe to put all this on hold until I'm done’. You didn’t say anything would happen when you were.”

“It was implied.”

“It’s not like you were cheating on me. You’re free to do whatever you want, and I’ve no right to hold you back.” Halt stood up from the couch, and like a string connecting them together, Will jerked to the front of his seat. “You have a choice, regardless of what you may or may not have promised me.”

“Then I choose you,” he said. Halt stopped walking.

Will thought back to when they had just gotten home, and Halt kissed him without restraint. Why would Halt do that, when he had pulled his hand back just minutes prior?

“Actions speak louder than words, Will,” Halt said.

He could remember the way he held him, vividly, a place Will could lose himself in, and would if he had just one more chance, even if in such shallow water. It felt like a million years ago now.

Will sighed. “Should I leave?” He prayed Halt would say no.

“It’s dark out there. You’d be better off if you got some sleep.” Halt resumed his walk, hands in his pockets again, from the kitchen where he was taking his jacket off the chair and briskly back to his room. “Leave in the morning.”

“I told you I’m sorry. I don’t want-”

“You’re forgiven.” He shut the door.

A tear rolled down his face, and Will wanted to yell at it to go back to where it came from, because he didn’t ask to cry. He wasn’t supposed to be the one crying. He wasn’t supposed to be the one hurting everybody, and Halt and Alyss weren’t the ones who had to suck it up and act like it was okay. 

Halt went into his room and found himself drained of all his will to throw something. He was aching to, at first, but when he shut the door suddenly he didn’t feel like doing anything but keeping it shut.

And to think he ever had a chance.

It was all for the best, after all. If Will wasn’t too late, he could apologize to Alyss and make up some dumb excuse for her to take him back, like he was sorry, and he had made a mistake- three big mistakes, actually, and he was different now.

Halt never went to bed as early as that. His body was still running on two more hours of energy. As tired as he was of everything, he never figured out how to fall asleep, so he was stuck just lying down, under the covers; eyes closed and wishing himself a very, very long sleep. The oil lamp was unlit when he came in, and he didn’t bother to light it to get dressed.

The candles in the other room went out about twenty minutes after Halt left. That was it, then. No going back.

_Come morning, this’ll all be over and it’ll be fine again. It’s for the best. For his sake._

_I bet he’s relieved._

Halt looked down and realized he was shaking awfully hard as he strangled his pillow with one hand. So this was happening again. Great. He cursed, sat straight up and sighed because he wasn’t going to let this get to him. He wasn’t going to cry about this.

But it was too late for that now that his eyes were burning and flaming tears were already going down his face. Their trails became cracks in his skin. They broke him in plates.

He remembered losing sleep over what Will could possibly have to tell him that was more important than an ‘I love you’, even a guilt-ridden one. If it were possible, he would take back all of that, all of wanting to know everything he was curious about. 

He didn’t want to know anymore.

Halt was thinking and sobbing so hard some of his thoughts may have escaped out of his lips. He covered his mouth with his hand so his cries were muffled, while everything he never lost rained down on him in the form of tears and swears.

_He’s gone and I hope he never comes back._

No matter how many times he repeated those words in his head, or out loud, they never hurt any less.

Words became just sounds and they quickly stopped mattering to him.

 _He’s gone and I hope he never comes back._ He thought this pain would never stop. He’d thought this before but now he knew it would never go away.

The only thing that had ever made it stop was the one he was crying over.

\---------------------------- 

Eventually he got tired of his mental breakdown and laid his head back down and closed his eyes. Even after he had finished crying, he wasn’t allowed to go to sleep.

He hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in two years.

Hours drifted by at the speed of clouds, slow and timeless. Will lay in his bed, in his old room, taking in the smell of wood, fresh air and old memories, though now they were distant blurs of color in his 20/20 vision.

The reigning idea in his mind was of sneaking into Halt’s room, lying next to him, and trying to explain himself. That seemed to be a better way to get pushed off a bed rather than rekindle their relationship, though. If Halt really did hate him now, why would he let him stay? 

Then Will heard Halt’s door open. He knew he was awake for something, and that may have been it.

Besides, Will couldn’t get up the courage to do it before he heard the door open.

He waited until he was sure Halt wasn’t coming in his room. When he slid out of bed, that’s when his heart started pounding and crying for him to retreat back to where it was safe. In the end he never overcame it. The most he could do was ignore it until he felt a little better.

He opened the door a crack to see into the other room. Halt was in the kitchen, taking a glass out of the cabinet.

Will took a deep breath and stepped in the room. He could see the lines in the floorboards beneath his feet, which never creaked and gave away his dream-like presence, and the rug patterns which were light enough to see, circles inside of similarly colored circles, and find his way around. Tree branches scraped against the walls of the cabin and the kitchen window, like anxieties scratching at their door, begging to be let in.

“Hey,” Will greeted him, quiet like there was something outside that would hear them if he was too loud.

He thought he heard a ‘hey’ come from around Halt’s turned back.

Will crossed his arms over his chest. “What’re you doing?”

“Getting water.”

He didn’t know what to say to that.

They kept a big container of water on the counter so they wouldn’t have to refill their water supply every day. It would last two of them a week at least, and one person even longer. Halt was pouring from it into his glass and barely a fourth of the way through.

He arrived by Halt’s side, just on the verge of giving up searching for his eyes because Halt wasn’t letting him in.

“I can’t sleep,” Will said. He used the counter like a cane and bent over on his elbows. “Not without talking to you.”

“We already talked. You told me what you needed to say, and I’m grateful you did.” Halt’s voice was low and scratchy, more than it usually was. It hardly sounded like him. Everything felt like one of those dreams where Will would “wake up” in the middle of the night and everything was the same, except the air was wrong, and everyone had been replaced by an imposture.

Either that, or Halt had been crying. Will felt an odd sense of relief when he realized that it was probably the latter. This was much too real to be a dream, and now at least Will wasn’t the only one crying that night.

“So you’re okay with it?” Will asked.

“Yes. After all, we weren’t a couple back then. You had made no promises to me, so you broke no promises. We still aren’t together, anyway, so it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Then we can leave the past as it is and move on with each other.”

“We can leave the past as it is, but whatever is between us right now isn’t going to continue,” he said, with such a bite that Will actually flinched. “And that’s okay.”

“Obviously it isn’t.”

“And why do you think so?”

“Because the water is spilling.”

Halt looked down. His glass was more than full, and water was going everywhere, dripping onto the floor. He swore under his breath, something Will could barely hear and may not have wanted to, and set both the container and the cup down.

“Talk to me…” Will whispered. He turned around and leaned his back against the counter, where the edge pressed into his spine. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I know what'll happen if you don't talk to me. If I leave in the morning, I’ll say I’ll write you but I never will because I’m waiting for you to write to me first. You never do so I don’t, either. 

“Then we’ll see each other at the next Gathering and we won’t speak to each other unless we have to, thinking we’ll get over it someday, and things will go back to normal if we just give it time… They never will, though. Before we know it we’ll have been avoiding each other for years, for reasons nobody knows.

“We’ll try to forget about it, but I never will. It’ll haunt me forever… So much could’ve happened between us, but it never did because we were too scared. …I’m terrified, Halt, of what could happen if go down a different road. I have no idea what’ll happen. But it’s a one-way road.”

Halt looked at him for the first time that night. His hair hung over his face, willow branches casting shadows over his eyes. “I’m terrified of losing you,” Will whispered. 

Tears were breaking his voice into fragments, as he choked out those words. “You know what I said is true, about ignoring what there is between us. You may say you’re okay with it, but nothing you say to me can change your own feelings.”

“How do you know what I feel?”

“Because I’ve seen it. And you told me… once.”

Will’s head dropped, and he bit his lip to keep it from trembling. His eyes looked rounder than they usually did with the bags that circled them. Halt saw the tint of red around the edges; his hair tousled from his pillow and pushed up in a wave around his forehead, like the way a wave forms over the sea.

Halt reached out and brushed it back against his head. He’d always loved Will’s hair. Nobody could understand why. 

His touch was so subtle, and gentle, it was enough to push Will over the edge and make him sob.

“Don’t cry,” Halt mumbled. “Don’t.”

“Why don’t you believe me?” Will asked, bringing a hand to his mouth to cover his crying. “What’s stopping you now?”

“You don’t really know what you’re saying,” Halt said. “You’re doing this out of guilt.”

Will looked up at him. “Guilt?”

“Of course. You may not have made a commitment to me, but you made one to yourself, and you broke it when you kissed Alyss. You turned her down because you have an obligation to. And you love me because you’re sorry that you went against your word.”

“That’s not true at all.” 

“Isn’t it true you told me you loved me right after you told Alyss?” Halt asked. “Did you realize that before you felt badly, or after?”

Will spent a second searching for an answer. He had never thought of it that way… the scariest part was, Halt wasn’t completely wrong. But of course Will wasn’t doing this out of guilt… At least, not all of it, right?

“It’s true that I didn’t decide that before everything that happened with Alyss,” Will said. “I was scared that’d I’d missed my chance with you. Looking back, now, maybe I did. I realized back then when I kissed her that I wanted her to be you instead. That’s why I knew I lov-”

“Stop saying that,” Halt snapped. “Don’t throw the word around love, as if you’re old enough to know what it means.”

“And you’re old enough to know love, but you’re too scared to show it. Don’t make me look like I’m the stupid one.” 

Halt noticeably backed off at that, but he still replied, “I’m not scared. I’m thinking clearly.”

“If you can look me in the eyes,” he said, somewhat firm, “and honestly tell me that you don’t want me, and that every part of you doesn’t want me, then you can go, and we can forget about this forever.”

Of course, that was the one thing Halt couldn’t do. He tried; he looked him in the eyes, like Will said, but he couldn’t get the words out of his mouth. He looked dead when he was quiet, that night.

Then he whispered, “A few months ago, that would’ve been the furthest thing from my mind. But then I took a step back, and I thought about everything I’ve done in my life.. and I realized that I’ve done enough. No, I can’t tell you what you asked, but I don’t have to. This is much more than just what I want… and honestly, I’m just tired of it. Of everything, like this conversation, guessing… I just want it to be over.”

Will couldn’t explain it, but he clearly heard Halt’s throat tighten up, because the words that were coming out of it were constrained as if they were writhing in pain. “I’m so, fucking tired of it all and I know you’re new to this job, and I know you’ve been through too much for somebody your age-” 

“Stop bringing age into this, it’s sickening.”

“I know it is…” Halt took a deep breath, and picked up with his last sentence, “And I know you understand a lot of things about being a ranger, but you have no, no idea what it’s like… It wears you down. I used to say ‘it’s okay, because I’m doing the right thing, I’m on the right side’, but at some point that just stops cutting it and when that stops mattering- suddenly nothing matters. This is all I’ve ever had, and I know that, and I don’t want to leave- but I’m sick of it, fucking sick of it all.” Halt’s words broke and his breath hitched; his head fell and he brought up a hand to his forehead… or his face, to cover it.

“And you just make it so much worse,” he snapped. “Because I love you so damned much, and that’s the worst part of it all. Because you’re the only thing I haven’t gotten sick of after all of this time, and you’re the one thing I know I can’t have. Now I can, and it’s harder than ever to resist you. It’s never been about what I want, Will, because I know what I want. And it’s you, it’s always been you and it’s always going to be you.”

Will took one side of Halt’s face in his hand. He smeared tears on his cheek. “Halt…” he mumbled, as their foreheads touched.

“So no, I’m not okay with it. But it doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter,” said Will, holding him close. “It matters so much.”

“Not enough.” Halt took his wrists and gently guided his hands away. 

Their eyes met. And all it took was one second of eye contact. The kiss was carefully placed, so it wouldn’t miss in the lack of light. Will took his time with the kiss and made sure to get it just right.

The world centered. The hands caught around his wrists relaxed. He clearly felt Halt pushing back; he was kissing back.

Which didn’t make sense at all. It didn’t, and then Will understood perfectly.

First Halt had kissed him, that afternoon, then pulled his hand away at dinner; he wrapped his arms around him and held him closer than ever before, and then he told him to leave; he promised that nothing would ever happen between them, then he loved him.

When Will thought about it, it was wrong to hold that against him. Will had gone against his word, too, and why? Not because he was caught in the moment. Alyss hadn’t accidentally pressured him into anything. Deep down, Will knew it.

There was a reason why he had never thought of Halt once in Grimsdell. Rather, why he had put a barricade between himself and those thoughts and then ignored it ever happened when he tore it down. 

He couldn’t ignore that anymore.

“I was scared,” Will muttered. “That’s why I did it. And I’m sorry.”

Halt knew what he was talking about, and didn’t need anybody to explain it to him. He just nodded.

“I love you.”

Crickets sang outside the window in tiny, out-of-sync voices.

“I love you too.”

Will whispered, “I don’t want you to be in pain.” 

“It’s not your problem,” said Halt. “And my answer is still no. I won’t change my mind.”

Will turned his eyes down.

“If that’s really what you think…” he mumbled.

“Yes.”

“Then I’ll leave in the morning.”

“Okay,” Halt said, so low they were barely words out of his throat. He wanted to take them back already.

“But that’s not until the morning.”

Halt’s head revived from where it was bent down in mourning. He opened his mouth, to say whatever he thought he had in mind, and then closed it because Will had, yet again, left him speechless.

“We don’t have to do anything,” Will said. “Not if you don’t want to.”

“We shouldn't.”

“That’s okay. If the next day comes and you still don’t think it’s worth it, I can go and we don’t ever have to talk about this again. If we don’t let ourselves have this one chance, at least, we’ll never forgive ourselves. Can’t get over something that never happened.”

That was the only compromise Will was going to make. Luckily, Halt was open to compromise if it would get him out of it afterwards.

"Then you can decide... are you mine forever, or just tonight?"

“Okay,” Halt said. “I think you’re right.”

“On what part?”

Halt didn’t answer him. He cupped Will’s face with one hand, brought him in and kissed him.

\----------------------

And hopefully, after that, he could forget. At the very least he could pretend to forget until he really did.

It was their last hurrah.

In doing that, Halt found he loved Will a lot more than he thought he did. It turns out while he restrained himself, he was still holding onto a little bit of that feeling he wasn’t allowed to let go of. Thoughts like that poured out of him, too, all in the open now for him to see.

And if Will meant everything he said and did that night, then he probably loved him, too. Maybe that was what made the difference- the decision to trust Will in what he said. Will had never let him down before.

Halt ended with a lot more than what he’d let go of.

He thought a lot about how Will had finally decided to let everything else slide and fall for him. He wondered how Will could not care so much and let the flame turn into a fire without burning with it. And he wanted that, he wanted it so badly.

If Will could just be anybody else…

But he wasn’t. Will was still a guy, and still much younger than him, and still used to be like a son to him, but some of that could change. Situations changed, and all that didn't made Will who he was. And Halt didn't want anything else.

Could it be that the answer wasn’t even an answer? Could it be that it was a lot simpler than he thought?

When everything else faded out of vision, and only Will remained, he came to a realization. It was a lot simpler than he assumed it was: instead of a web, it was a switch. On, or off. Yes or no. Happy, or not- because happiness shouldn’t be any less, not once he knew exactly what he wanted.

And that was it.

And his answer was no… but that night, something changed. He lost the question.

When he lost track of everything, just for a night, he slept much better. And when he woke up, he found the switch was nothing more than a veil.

This was what he wanted. 

Somewhere he knew it made sense. Not here; somewhere. He wanted to find that place, the place where everything made sense and happiness was not a ‘should or should not’ question… Will was the key to that place.

Halt was first to wake up. Will was holding his hand in the morning, nose in the crook of his collarbone, breathing life into his skin, and Halt had the strangest feeling that perhaps this was the way it was supposed to be.

For half a decade they had lived together, and every day Will was the first thing he saw in the morning. He knew what he looked like when he woke up, but never like this.

This was raw. It was perfect.

Like watching a building collapse in slow motion. Hectic, yet shockingly beautiful. 

Halt tightened the arm he had around Will’s body and pulled him in, eyes still closed. Against his nose he felt the soft, silky brush of Will’s hair.

“Good morning,” he whispered.

“‘Morning…”

It was bliss for the whole time until Will’s other senses came back to him. Halt could’ve sworn he felt Will’s body grow heavier as he remembered everything.

Will pushed on his chest and tried rolling over, but Halt caught him and kept him where he laid. He wasn’t quite ready yet. 

“I love you,” Will mumbled. Halt looked down at him and didn’t see him looking back.

It took probably too long for him to reply. “I love you too.” 

Will waited for the next part. Maybe he was taking too long to say that, too. But it never came.

“Yeah?” Will asked.

“And that’s all there is to it.”

\---------------------

Will didn’t plan to convince him if he hadn’t said yes. There was only so much he could do. He could kiss him, he could say he loved him, he could sleep with him, but at the end of it all, Halt was the only one who could decide if he wanted to bow to the fear or go on despite it.

“So what changed your mind?” Will asked, half naked, sitting across from Halt on the bed. He held his mug with both hands and took a drink of coffee. Halt had a strict rule about food and drinks on the bed, but he didn’t really seem to care about anything now.

Halt shrugged. “The realization that nothing else could change it but me. There was nothing more you could say that I hadn’t already heard. I had the privilege of deciding my entire future with just one decision, which isn’t usually something I can control. I decided to control it this time.”

Will smiled lopsided. “That's kind of lame.” 

Halt grinned. “It may be.”

Will laughed, but he understood it. He remembered deciding the same thing that afternoon they spent in the forest.

\-------------------

Will still left late that morning. He stayed as long as he could, but the truth was, he’d still left Seacliff ranger-less without much of a warning. He had to go.

They had come full circle. Will was right where he was all that time ago, when everything had begun. The first time Halt kissed him.

Only a few things had changed.

“It feels like we should say something else,” Halt said.

Will grinned; he was standing next to a saddled Tug and studying every trace of difference in Halt from the night before. There was a lot. “It does,” he said.

“Nothing more to say, though.”

“Why are you so boring today?”

“It’s your fault, you know.” Halt smiled unwittingly. That was three times that morning. Will was counting.

Will walked around and gave Halt a small peck on the lips, something Halt was about to resist due their lack of privacy outside, and then realized that it was going against the point of everything they had just gone through.

\----------------

Halt went back in and looked at everything he didn’t have time to while Will had distracted him. It didn’t stress him out, what he’d missed. He didn’t feel like anything could stress him out for a while.

There was still so much he had to sort out.. but until all of that figured itself out, he could survive on just this.

Part of him wished he’d done more when Will left. The last time he left ended with a life-changing accident- what, he realized, was anything but an accident. There was a weird feeling that this should end with something much bigger. And yet, it did. It really did. So why didn’t it feel like anything had ended?

Then Halt realized it shouldn’t be like that at all.

This wasn’t the end of anything. It was only the beginning.

Halt took out a pen and paper, and began composing his next letter.


End file.
